I have a lot of thoughts swimming around in my mind, but too many of them seem inappropriate to post online. This post should probably only be read by my TTC (trying to conceive) girls, or best friend, and maybe sisters. The content will probably annoy/bother/offend anyone else. If you choose to keep reading, you have been warned.
In all, I’m not really sure how to say what I want to say. I wish I could ask my friends to cool it with the “we’re expecting” announcements on Facebook. Or duplicate postings of early ultrasound pictures where all you see is a blob inside a bigger blob… I know that probably makes me come across as insensitive, but you try trying for a baby for six months and being stuck with breakouts as bad as a 13 year-old with bad hygiene, horrible PMS and stark white pregnancy tests (except that once, which is a different story) and then we’ll talk. Luckily, there is some reprieve from the onslaught of all things baby on Facebook via the “unsubscribe” button. I’ve been using that one a lot lately. I want to be happy for my friends that are just starting or adding to their families; be happy for my sister-in-law who announced her pregnancy the moment she got a positive test despite the well-documented risk of losing a baby in the first trimester. I feel torn between being real to myself and living up to societal expectations. What I mean is that I am happy for them, but I would be happier for me at this point. Selfish?…somewhat, but very honest. I promise it was not always that way.
Wanting to start a family is a feeling I have become familiar with over the past few months, but at the same time still feels foreign to me. I guess it makes sense though, seeing as I was raised to put school before boys, a career before marriage. I must have gotten lost somewhere along the path my parents intended for me to take because I got married before graduating college, and am hoping to have kids before being very well established in my career path. To be fair, I am considering a major change of pace. Thinking of leaving the animal medical field and dabbling into photography as some sort of profession – a topic which I do not take lightly and will be discussed in more detail later.
I do hope if you’ve read this through to the end that you don’t feel any less of me. I am just a regular person like you or anyone else with real feelings and problems I face every day. Part of why I started this blog was so I’d have some place to let it out.