Not Who I Was

I have had song lyrics stuck in my head all day, but seeing as it is hardly ten in the morning, that isn’t a very long time. The song starts like this…”I wish you could see me now. I wish I could show you how, I’m not who I was.” I woke up with that song buzzing in my ears, as if my alarm was playing the tune, rather than some random alarm tone.

My mind is only capable of thinking in tangents today, and I don’t have a lot of time to make sure this is eloquently written, so I apologize if this post makes no sense. I also apologize that this post will likely interest no one but myself. My hope is that if I write this down, I can let it go.

I have an old friend on my mind. It’s been five years since we talked, but this song playing over and over in my mind reminds me of our friendship.

We met at the beginning of high school; had a few classes together that first semester, liked the same music, had fun hanging out after school and at FFA meetings together. We were friends all through high school until about this time of our Senior year. I didn’t know why at the time, but our friendship fell apart. It wasn’t like we had an argument or anything like that, she just started ignoring me. We still had classes together every morning and the same lunch hangout, so it was awkward. It wasn’t until summer was mostly over that she wrote me a message on Myspace apologizing for “killing our friendship.” She explained that she was hurt I was going off to college – the same college she had hoped to attend – and that her parents only supported her attending the local community college.

I don’t remember if I forgave her then, or thought that I had forgiven her. At the time I thought it was bullsh*t. My husband (and good friend at the time) also stayed in our home town and went to the same community college, but we were able to maintain our friendship.

Jealousy is an evil thing. It burned our friendship to the ground at a time I remember being terrified of leaving my home, at a time I needed her as my best friend.

I don’t know why this is all on my mind today, but I can’t help thinking maybe we really weren’t that great of friends after all. It’s all blurry memories of afternoons playing cards and listening to Switchfoot CDs on repeat, of FFA meetings and Guide Dog field trips. Was she also jealous my dogs passed and became working guide dogs and that hers failed? I guess it doesn’t matter now, but it hurts to have such mean thoughts and doubts about a person who made such a difference in my life during high school.

It’s also weird thinking we probably wouldn’t be friends now, even if jealousy hadn’t torn us apart. Just like that song says, I’m not who I was. I sometimes wish I could ask her how her life turned out since we went our separate ways, but I don’t think that’s for me to know. I still hope she is doing well, just as I do all my best friends that have faded away over the years. And I hope that doesn’t come across as creepy, I just care.. I don’t try to follow them into their lives after our friendship. My belief is too strong that God puts people in your life, the right people in your life, exactly when they need to be there, and for as long as they need to be there.

I don’t know why it matters, probably only thought of it because it seems my college best friend and I have less in common week after week. Is it time for moving on again, and who will make the call and pronounce our friendship dead this time?…

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