Can it even be love if when I think about it today, I just want to call it a lie? I never really thought LOVE – the all powerful emotion, feeling, thing – could be deceitful,
The sailor and I are in a fight. Probably should have started out by saying that, but I figure I’ll know just by reading this, but going with the small chance I can’t figure it out months or years from now, we are 100% off. We don’t talk anymore; we haven’t really talked in months. That isn’t what sparked this particular fight but it does fuel the fire. And will continue to. Forever most likely.
I was driving home today, alone, after eating lunch in Silverdale. Praying and wondering why we got married in the first place. Beating myself up for not doing what everyone expected me to do. Because if I had, everything would be different and probably better. Would be living on my own, working my ass off. Would probably still be skinny. Would still be independent. Would be free. You want to know the saddest part? My answer, to the question why we got married at all, was “we were in love”.
We were. Past tense, as in, no longer valid at this point. I could be out on my own, figuring things out as I went along and instead I am one year into a friendshipless, loveless marriage. Real winner, here.
I should have done what everyone expected. I should have just stayed the course. It was all set, all ready for me, but I ruined everything. I ruined everything. A perfectly good friendship. Broke my own heart more times than I can count. Ruined my future. Ruined my life.
I should have known better.
I should have seen this coming.
I should have run away while I still had the chance.
But I am twenty-three, half way to twenty-four, haven’t had a job in six months, ten weeks pregnant and stuck with a boy who only loves me when it’s easy. I can’t talk to him. We don’t talk, and that has all but destroyed everything we have. And if we don’t talk, we won’t stand a chance.
I fail, I lose, I forfeit.