Good Grief

Midnight musings.

Can you grieve something that hasn’t happened yet? Like say for instance this deployment? All signs and symptoms point to a resounding yes, but it feels a little silly saying that I am grieving future events. I think it’s just a lot to handle.

I haven’t been away from the sailor for more than two months since we were married. This deployment breathing down our necks is four times that amount. Eight months. My face screws up just typing that and my eyes fight to hold back tears. I think it’s natural to be angry. It’s natural to be sad, to wish it weren’t true. There are three of the five stages of grief right there. All that’s left are bargaining and acceptance, but the military takes away any chance of a better “deal” and that just creates more anger, more frustration, more sadness. I don’t think the acceptance ever comes, not really. Not when you know in less than half a year they could be taken away again, with a moments notice.

It comes in waves. The last time we were separated for eight months was right before we got engaged. But we had Skype then, regular email communication, and he wasn’t out in the middle of the ocean who knows how many miles away from home. I am a mix of emotions tonight. I am sad that I didn’t get an email and he’s only been gone a little over two weeks. I am angry that other wives were bragging about their hour long phone calls and daily back and forth emails or Facebook chats. I am angry that he has to leave while I’m pregnant. I am so upset that I have to do this alone.

Don’t say it. I know this is what we “signed up for” but I maintain my position in that the cost is too high some days. Today and for eight months it will be one of those days.

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