I probably spend too much of my life looking back. That is something I did not really notice about myself until this year. I guess I have just had a lot more free time to think about things.. and I am a fan of overcomplicating even the most simple thought.
A stupid example, and one of the most recent, was noticing how long my hair has gotten. I haven’t had a proper haircut in months. Actually haven’t been to a hair salon since we lived in South Carolina. Not an intentional thing… just didn’t have the time, or the money, or any idea what to do with this brown mop of hair. I was looking through my iPhoto pictures and found some from my Freshman year of college and remembered thinking that my hair was so long then; that it looked so great and I should have never chopped it all off half a dozen times in college. It’s like I put that certain time of my life on a pedestal.
The weird thing is, it’s longer now.. and it looks better considering the overall lack of attention. I can’t credit great hair to pregnancy, or any sort of “glow” you might think I have in that picture there. I’m breaking out worse than I did when I was sixteen and my hair has been dull and flat since my first positive pregnancy test. Makeup is a wonderful thing.
So maybe it’s not just that I spend too much time looking back, but rather that I hold onto thoughts and ideas too long; that I put certain ways of seeing myself on a pedestal rather than accepting the whole picture of who I am. I want to work on that.. because I know some day I’ll look back on pictures taken of me now. And sure, I could see myself as an overweight baby blob. Instead, I hope I remember how amazing it was to feel our little boy kick. I hope I smile about having a big belly, rather than putting myself down for not working out enough, or eating well enough, even before pregnancy. Enough with the self-depricating body bashing. I’ve had enough.