Going Backwards

I’ve spent the last week and a half going backwards at an accelerated pace. There is so much to say, too much to catch up on, but nothing of what I say in the next few months about this (currently private) topic will make much sense without this post. It is the key.

Let me break it to you easy, pull away the facade that we’ve got our shit together and just say it. We are divorcing. Divorced? I’m sure I will preview and edit these posts before future publishing to the public, and by that time the divorce will certainly be final.

When I told my mommy friends, the overwhelming reaction went a little like… “Oh, no! Why?? He just got back from deployment.” Why? Because we don’t work. Because our marriage was a sham. Because he had been playing house with me, while watching porn on a daily basis and wishing he could be drunk. Because I deserve a better life than being stuck in a marriage so full of his lies, that there was no room for love. No one gets married thinking they will get divorced. No one expects their “best friend” and husband to call, black-out-drunk and admit that their years and years of friendship were a lie. That it was all a gigantic lie.

There are questions I can’t get out of my head, even almost two weeks after that phone call – the one that sealed the deal for me, that we were so over, or in the words of Taylor Swift, “never ever ever getting back together.” Questions like, why me? If this has just been some f***ed up game, why did he choose me to be the pawn? Did he ever love me? Answers I am sure I will never know; not that I would ever trust what he had to say, should he offer them up.

So needless to say, I filed for divorce nine days ago, and I’m still pretty pissed off about the whole situation. I won’t get too far into the logistics of where I am, except to say I’m back under my parents roof, and will likely be here a while. I appreciate them for it, hate my ex-husband for it, and can’t help but feel disappointed in myself for ending up here.

I cannot believe I am here.

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