It’s a hot afternoon here in California. The baby is sleeping on his Grandma, leaving my mind to wander. I can’t help but think of the future … First I will be a divorced, single mom. Soon after that I will be a working, divorced, single mom. Will likely be there for a while, before maybe (eventually) moving on to being a divorced, working, single mom who tries dating. Me, dating? I know that is likely years away, but the idea is a little terrifying. I never imagined I would be divorced before I turned twenty-five. Never really imagined I would be a divorcee at all. Yes, we had hard times. We had many, very hard times, when even I felt like giving up…but that’s not how it ended. Being the one given up on sucks, for lack of a more eloquent description. This whole deal, sucks.
The only good thing that has come out of all of this, is that my son is happier now. He is so much happier, all the time. He’s still fussy all the time too, because that’s his personality, but still… to see him smiling just as much as he fusses now is amazing.
It’s still hard to not feel damaged. That the load of baggage I “get” to carry around now isn’t a mile high. Who would want that? I have my issues, some personal, most public. I have my insecurities; a mom body and the little charmer to go along with it. There are things I will let go, when I’m ready, when I can. Years of memories I can no longer trust to be real. It is so hard when your ex gives you little closure. It’s hard when you don’t know when they stopped loving you, if they ever really did at all. Was it all infatuation that quickly turned to hate? Where do you draw the line? I’ll never know. I don’t really want to know. I pray that baggage will be left behind, while at the same time knowing there is no clean break when a child is involved. Weekly conversations about our son’s, my son’s well being. Probable, eventual shared custody, summer at “dad’s.”
It’s bullshit. Today, I hate the sailor. But even now, sitting here in the kitchen, in the same town this all started, I know I won’t hate him forever. Hate takes too much energy, too much time. And before long, I won’t have any… anything left for him.