They say the emotional roller coaster that accompanies a divorce rivals the one that follows the death of a loved one. I believe it. I am not trying to go through it, but the grieving process is happening beyond my control.
Denial hit me with a panic attack, moments from when I knew it was really, irrevocably over. That was the moment I knew everything we had was gone, and it was never coming back. Not with counseling, not with prayer.
Anger hit me as soon as I came to the next morning. It was go time. I would be surprised to find someone who processed a divorce faster than I did, with the help of my family. He walked out of our house on Monday and we were signing divorce papers four days later. Not even a week passed by the time we were out of the state. It still makes my head spin thinking about that week. And it makes my heart hurt that I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone.
Time has passed, moments slipping away like nothing.. I cannot believe that it’s been over a month now since we moved back to California. I wish so much that it were over, but I’m still in the grieving process. I’ve tried my best to stay busy, tried my best to hide, but even so, that depressed feeling is sinking in. It’s faint and I do my best to push through, but I can feel myself sinking.
I told God about the thoughts on my heart this afternoon, while working on a yarn-wrapped vase project. That I am so angry my ex gets to move on like nothing ever happened, and my life is permanently, 100%, forever changed. I have all this baggage now. It’s hard to realize that because of that I’m going to be alone for a very long time.
It is so hard accepting that I need to be alone for some time.
And that is the source of all the sad feelings that sit on my chest, weighing and bringing me down. I mean, there is the fact that what we had wasn’t really a marriage, as my ex-brother-in-law pointed out…but it’s more than that.