Divorced.

Hi there, and welcome to the story of the end of my marriage.

I hesitated momentarily, months ago, when deciding whether or not this should be a public topic on my blog. It took a google search of  the question, “where do I go from here?” to make me realize that I needed to write about it, simply because no one else does. I have been advised to just say “it didn’t work out…the deployments…lack of communication” but I’ll save the sugar coated story for a later time. I’ve edited old posts with a new appreciation for where I am and hope to tell nothing more than the truth. Going through a divorce? Entrigued as to what I have to say about mine? Click through the links to previously private posts that I have written.

This story begins with this post written over a year ago. It was a venting post, about a fight we had had. The problems I talk about are ones we had all along. They were there when we lived in South Carolina and they were there the day we undid “I do.” Looking back at it now, it is a shockingly accurate foreshadow of what was to come, if only I had been able to see it then. A month later, things still weren’t looking up.

Then we got news that the December 2012 deployment was going to start in August. To add insult to that injury, they were told while already two weeks into a month long training stent in San Diego. Brutal news.

He came home from the month long underway two weeks later and we went to a few counseling sessions. At the time, I thought we left the sessions stronger, but looking back it was probably all lies on his end. The deployment began a short while later, I wrote about missing him all the time and a few months passed. November came, bringing with it a bad cold followed by a scary bout of bronchitis. Ended up in the ER and felt no sympathy from the sailor. Struck me as odd, but I brushed it off when he explained that its hard to show emotion when he can’t do anything about it being so far away. Spent a few weeks being avoided because I was so sick and contagious and fell into a bit of depression. Being eight months pregnant and alone is really lonely and sharing this post is hard, because reading it just now, I can still feel how sad I was when I wrote it. I didn’t want anyone to know I was struggling.

And then my mom came into town for the birth of her first grandchild and I felt even further away from the sailor than I had before. I wrote a post with the definition of the word “dissonance” as the original title, because it described our relationship perfectly. It wasn’t the last time I would write a post on that topic.

Our son was born, and my life changed in ways I never imagined possible. I stopped blogging for the most part, focused on surviving through months of little to no sleep. I emailed the sailor daily, sent pictures all the time, told him all about our son. It didn’t bring us closer together. And the dissonance creeped in once again.

That was the last post I wrote about our marriage before it was already over. The next post on the topic of our relationship was written after the divorce papers were signed. As part of the dividing of household assets, I got both of the laptops purchased as gifts during the marriage for us and found cookies on his web browser proving his porn problem had been back for a while. He had fessed up to that in a drunken phone call, but I had no tangible proof up until then.

We were in California  a week when it hit me that I was never going “home”  to that home again. And as we settled in, I began sorting through all my newly acquired “baggage”. I had so many questions I will never know the answers to, and I slowly worked on forgiving myself for getting so deep into a loveless marriage. It wasn’t easy. There were times I couldn’t get the memories of moments long gone out of my head. I met a mom friend who went through this same situation, ten years into her marriage and was thankful to have gotten out sooner than that.

Then I had an important breakthrough…that I didn’t regret getting married. Even so, the feeling of being a single, divorced, working mom weighed on me. By this point, I was doing okay for the most part. Looking for a job I would like, having play dates with the next door neighbor and her two little girls. There were days I would stumble across and old, happy photo of us and I would pause and wonder if it was a real moment, but for the most part was finding a new definition of happy.

I stalled out for a while, mostly accepting everything that had happened, until I met Texas. He sparked something in my heart I hadn’t felt for a long time, hope. I know it will sound stupid, but those who believe will understand that I know we crossed paths for a reason. A few non-date, hang outs later and here I am… A single, divorced mom.

Welcome to my beautifully random life.

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