It is difficult coming to terms with the fact that I was openly lied to for years, and didn’t catch on. “Used and abused,” as bluntly phrased by my dad. A fact made even more difficult because I pride myself in being honest. I could blame myself for being too trusting, too open but even now, I don’t see those as faults. I was presented with this person, and only realized when I was being discarded, that it was a facade. I apologize in advance if you thought me going public with the divorce would mean the end of all divorce-type talk. I wish it were, and eventually I will run out of things to say, but I could write a whole chapter about this weekend in the chronicles of this divorce.
My ex-huband booked the flight weeks ago, letting me know his intentions to visit the weekend our divorce was final via a copy of his flight itinerary. Classy, right? I would have suggested just about any other weekend besides this past one…
I was nervous to see him, unsure how I would feel. And I felt nothing. I always, always used to smile when I saw him, and I didn’t. No happy or upset butterflies. Just the perfect amount of nothingness. We had lunch, Elliott and the ex bonded over Elliott’s favorite movie, Brave, and we concluded the day with some playtime at the park. It went better than I expected. Welcome to the land of co-parenting, population three.
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I could write a separate post for this, but I would rather not spend too much more time thinking about it. I’m not even going to bother making it a pretty story, or blending it into what I’ve said above, so I hope you can follow along.
I joined OKcupid a few weeks ago. Middle, younger sister said I needed to practice talking to guys after being off the market so long. I haven’t met anyone worth writing about. A lot of creepers, a mutual penpal type or two that I can write in the random empty moments in my day. It’s been interesting, to say the least. The ex must have recently joined, and searched me out, because I got a notification in my email that he was checking out my profile. Odd, I thought, so I took a look at his profile. We showed as a 27% match, and the answers to at least half the “get to know me” questions he had answered were appalling to me. To say why exactly, might border on slander, but it definitely showed he wasn’t kidding when he drunkenly said I never knew him. So I asked him in a message on the site, why lie about everything?
“I lied to keep you in my life.”… [insert some other stuff about thinking it might have just been a “bad patch” here]
Probably a true answer, but bad enough to send me on a pity spiral about trusting a pathological liar. And so I text messaged my sister who got me on the site in the first place, and she brought me back down to Earth. Sisters are so good for that. If this divorce has taught me nothing else, and it has taught me a lot, it would be that I need good, honest people in my life… and that I could sit here and pity myself for the life I’ve been dealt, for the wool being pulled over my eyes, for being the unlucky “car” in a seriously messed up game of LIFE, or choose to move on.
I don’t get to write up a wild dating profile about the party life and all that entails, but it’s okay. I get to be someone better. Saturday night I held my baby boy as he fell asleep like I have most nights of his life. I kissed his head before laying him down in his crib and turned out the light on one more day moving forward.
I married a bad guy. I trusted him with my heart and he betrayed me…That doesn’t make me a bad person.