Living in the same town where I met my ex-husband is not always easy. The smallest, every day things are often triggers for memories that I would rather forget than re-live. The cat that followed me on a walk the other night reminded me of a cold winter night we walked hand in hand around a different part of town, with a different cat following us. I try not to dwell on these reminders of a life that was not only a lie, but now also feels like a lifetime ago.
It was the annual, home town Christmas Parade last night.. Skipped the actual parade, but my family did make an appearance at the parade after party of a family friend. The same house, same time of year, many years ago that the ex and I had first started dating. Our first public appearance together, my favorite selfie ever taken of us, (one of the only pictures I saved on a hard drive of that time for my son’s future curiosity) was taken at that house, at a similar party.. And last night I sat at that same window bench with a lovely, Godly woman who knew more about me than I of her, and discussed where I’m going from here. My life had literally come full circle, five years later.
It was the most real conversation I have had about what it means to be divorced moving forward. How it has changed me, how it has caused me to grow up, to see life and love differently. A breathe of fresh air talking with an air of hope instead of pity. It knocked some sense back into me. I get lost in my head, in my thoughts… caught up in memories I wish I could forget when instead I need to let it all wash away. I can guarantee you my ex-husband hasn’t put anything at all near this amount of thought into what happened. Because none of this happened to him.
I can remember praying about my purpose in life while in college. To love and be loved and be revolutionary in my own right.
I’m still working on that last part.