Looking Glass

[[The thing about droughts is, the grass isn’t greener anywhere.]]

I’m up too late again. I can feel a headache settling in for the night. Or maybe just the tension of too many thoughts demanding to be recognized before the day is done. My brain feels frantic and my body is too tired to work out that energy any way other than to half sit, half lie here and write. 

So… Tomorrow marks one month at my new job. I made cookies. Oatmeal chocolate chip and peanut butter chocolate chip. Half celebrating myself and half because the chocolate chips needed to be used up before the whole bag found its way into late night snack territory. If the idea of baking for myself sounds pretentious or sad, I don’t care. They are for everyone there anyway. And because busying myself with baking and organizing and working out are things I do when I am feeling stressed out and going through things. 

And I am going through them. 

I want to say “it’s funny how…blah blah blah” but it isn’t really funny or ironic at all. It is hard and painful and unfortunate that anything about who I was once upon a lifetime ago affects me today, but I am who I am and so it does. Evocation is not a tendency for the faint of heart. That’s a word, right, evocation, evoke? I’m too tired to look it up but it sounds about right. And I’m not the type of person who can just let the past…be. There’s that whole quote about those forgetting history being destined to relive it. Probably butchering that, but you get my point, I hope. 

I have always, mostly been brutally honest so it’s just been hard. Second engagement brings up a trunkload of doubts and insecurities. My first marriage failed and it is a big deal to me – so much so that I even hate that phrase “first marriage” like I ever went in with the explicit goal of getting out. So yes, Marriage is a big deal to me. I was an awful first wife in so many ways and can only hope to have learned enough to not let that history ever repeat itself. 

I suppose I should make more time to get through this maze of emotions and just be done with it, but time is a rare commodity. I’m happy, so happy but I am also scared. Dustin is such a good man. And we do really make a good team. There’s just the tiny voice all but drown out by the chaos saying it will all, most likely be alright. No promises, but also no regrets. 
Love and light,

Michelle

Love is a Verb

I am up too late, painting my nails, listening to a slow song and the rare sound of my wind chimes blowing in the warm summer breeze.

It was so difficult to be an adult today. To take care of a crabby two and a half year old who talked back or fought everything, every chance he got.. To clean the apartment, clean out my car, get laundry and dishes and all that getting ready for the week ahead done. We all woke up on the wrong side of the weekend. We all napped while hurricane napped. And I get to paint my nails now because the whole house is asleep besides me. 

I got a new job. A promotion. It is amazing to the extent of renewing my love for veterinary medicine. I don’t have time to write much anymore – not that I ever seem to have a whole lot – in part because my schedule is different but also because I am trying to catch up my tech skills. 

And since I last wrote, I finally made it to the beach. It had been too long..

 
    

Are you ready? Next great adventure in queue. That photo of me pretty much sums up my feelings on the matter. Happy. So happy and so myself. Choosing marriage again is not something I take lightly, but also not something I can adequately address tonight with the overall mood of today being what it was… 

I did, however, share a quote on Instagram earlier that I know you will agree fits perfectly if you have any knowledge of me/my story. 

[I find it important to add that you also never ever have to feel guilty for making the incredibly difficult choice to leave. Although do be prepared for when those feels try to sneak attack you.]

So we are diving in! I am confident in my choice. Venue at our favorite CA beach and an amazing photographer booked for this October. Dress shopping next weekend. Dozens of little details to work out in the chaos of parenthood and a new job. Nothing is static for long around me, and it is this weird kind of bliss. Like being up late alone, listening to the sound of my wind chimes that have been with me from the very beginning.

Love, love as the verb and sweet dreams,

Michelle 

Happy Father’s Day 2015

When I was a kid, my dad deployed or went on detachment often enough, worked long hours, hardly ever felt home. When he did get back, it was always a bit of a struggle re-adapting to having him there. It was not always ideal, but I can see more clearly now having a son of my own and being a working mom, that my family was always doing the best we could. I always had a roof over my head. I always had good health/dental insurance. I always had plenty of food to eat. Those things, those blessings, are easy to take for granted as a kid, but my struggles as a single mom have clearly shown me otherwise. My dad was and continues to be an awesome provider. He had the strength to stay sane in a family with four alpha females and together with my mom raised three amazing women, the first of whom was me.


My dad taught me some of the most important life lessons I have learned. Taught me to be honest, a trait that has defined who I am almost more than anything. He helped me see that being very emotional and being logical is possible. That I never have to give up my dream, never have to compromise or diminish my standards to be on someone else’s level. He is the reason picking a toolbox/tool shelf is the first thing I do when I move. Confidence with laying tile floors, changing out ceiling lights, belt sanders, stud finders, laser levels, table saws and a variety of basic tools is a skill I appreciate more and more as I get older. My love for fixing things and almost anything do-it-yourself started as a kid, begrudgingly helping him with the current project in the garage. I did not appreciate those times then, but I certainly do now. I promise to make my hurricane help me out as well, to give him the same confidence.

My dad is so great that he was promoted to grandpa! He continues to be one of the most positive, fatherly influences in the hurricane’s life. I will be forever thankful for my family allowing us to move back in with them, for watching my son as I worked on myself and our future, for loving him as much if not more than they love me. He is blessed with some awesome grandparents!

Then there’s the boyfriend. He met me at a low point in my life. He respected me as single mom, living with my parents, trying to make the best life possible for my son and I. He watched many bath times, observed my parenting style in every situation possible, and was always okay with my son coming first in my schedule, in my life. There will be no step in his title. He is already a dad, even though we don’t have a kid of “our own” just yet.

And of course there is my ex-husband, because you did mention still checking in on this blog now and then. Without you I would not be a mom. We made the cutest kid (biased of course!) and I hope that we both continue to grow into inspiring, loving co-parents of this smart, sweet, hyper little hurricane. Your presence in his life does matter, as do those of your family, and will be always be important. He will never be able to say that he comes from a “broken home,” but rather from a village, surrounded by many adults who love and want the best for him.

Happy Father’s Day to the amazing fathers like mine, to the ones who help heal broken hearts and to those other single moms doing it all on your own.

Love, more love and light,

Michelle

Pomp (and Circumstance)

I did not walk at my college graduation. Had to move out of my suite, did not feel like waiting for Sunday morning to come around just to walk all over campus in muggy, 100 degree weather. I was so burned out, finishing up a 23 unit quarter.. Besides, I had just made all of my family visit for my wedding six weeks prior. I didn’t think anyone would come, and my best friends weren’t graduating with me. 

It’s something I have let go, for the most part. I am not the same person now that I was then. The idea of having all those eyes on me, what to wear, who would show up at 10am on Sunday, what if no one did… Those thoughts were overwhelming, so I pushed forward. 

I rushed home, so I could rush to South Carolina to be with my then-husband. Four years later…I wish I had customized the top of my cap. Wish I had a photo of my best friend and me, because me leaving changed everything. I see the photos posted from my college every commencement and I wish I had stayed. I skipped out on one of the most quintessential college experiences, in my opinion. 

You could say this post was inspired by a parallel debate in my mind. The boyfriend and I are talking big things, shiny rings and our future together. I have a tendency – I am learning of myself – to feel anxious, bored, overwhelmed and rush to the next thing. To just move to the next step, next stage in life, whether I am ready or not. It’s part spontaneity, part chaos. 

My license is done. Got it. Finally. And now it’s time to tackle the next big thing, one chunk at a time. I think I’m ready this time. I know this probably sounds like a bunch of incoherent rambling to some, but that’s a peek into the mind of this mom/vet tech/fitness fanatic. I’ve got at least a dozen windows open and I am running on toilet sore legs, too little sleep, not enough water, and I still need to go grocery shopping tonight so I can go to the gym first thing tomorrow.. 

Let’s do this, 

Michelle 

Plank it Out

Tonight I kicked my own butt at the gym, which is a thousand times better than having it kicked by life. Did my cardio warm up on the moon bouncer (aka adaptive motion trainer) and built a little circuit for myself in the empty group fitness room. It’s so nice getting lost in the challenge and repetition of a good circuit workout. I have lost a lot of time on my plank, down to about half of my best at the end of last summer, but that small let down didn’t stop me from giving it all that I had. Any plank is better than no plank at all. Any plan is better than no plan at all. I may not be exactly where or exactly who I thought I would be today, but I am doing the best I can. It is enough because I say it is. 

Feeling good, feeling great. So much better than a couple days ago. I can’t change everything in one day but I can start here.  I so wish I could find my personal trainer from college. That fitness attitude was the best gift I could have been given. God knows the scale and the mirror have had a million different things to say the past couple of years but a positive attitude has eventually, always prevailed. 

Love and a LOT of glitter,

Michelle 

Quicksand

I mean, who knew that getting my license would be anything but positive? That it would make things more awkward at work, because change is hard. That it would make me less desirable to other vet clinics because I’m this big fancy RVT who hasn’t placed an IV catheter in three years. It has been too long. I have the technical know how, I have the licensure, and I likely do have the muscle memory, but to say I would get it 100% right out of the gate… not so much. It is disheartening. It is defeating..

I am surrounded by quicksand. The harder I struggle, the more difficult it is to breathe, to escape. But to settle, to stop fighting for what is better and best feels like failure also. It feels like I will drown either way. This is, as usual, about four of five clicks too honest but that’s me. I feel like I am failing and it is a big deal, this is a big deal. I just… do not know what to do about it right now.

Michelle

Static Motion

Tonight is one of those nights. Up late. Mulling over love and the meaning of life when it sounds like the whole world has gone to bed besides me. I’ve got the hum of a window fan and the quiet sound of my boyfriend’s breathing to keep me company. “Isn’t it odd sometimes? I asked just before he fell into his dreams… “Isn’t it funny to think how we ended up here?” But I was already too lost in my thoughts to remember what he might have said in response.

Maybe it’s all the water I have been drinking (in part as a challenge for myself) to wash away toxins and have clearer skin and less wrinkles and *fingers crossed* less headaches and migraines. So much water, that my heart and mind can’t help but be a little cleansed too. Old musings and bits of wonder and questions too big for a tired mind to handle washing up. These thoughts like well-worn beach glass, showing up at random, catching my attention.

It is a difficult thing being satisfied with where you are, who you are and feeling the pull, way deep down in your heart and in your soul that things will have to change. That constant push and pull between static and motion. When you stop, just for a second and realize that each of us accepts or creates the life we think we deserve, that we think will best work in our favor. I’m not there yet.

Shouldn’t we be allowed to willingly shed our skin and grow into better versions of ourselves? That those who believe people can change be given the grace to do as much?

If you ask me, yes.. But I am the biased creator of my sleepy, rambling universe and it so long, so long past my bedtime.

With love but mostly light,

Michelle

One Year!

The boyfriend and I have been together, officially, for a year now. One year! Does not sound like very long at all, in the grand scheme of things. Especially given my tendency to wander back into the past. But here we are… And yes we are cute. :)

 

If you follow me on Instagram (@finity113) then you have probably seen most of these photos before. If not, take a sneak peak into our random life together. We like being active and silly and marveling at how adorable the hurricane is and cat pictures and cake. 

I have a happy heart, a full love tank. This man is my zen, my other half. He helped to pull me out from a dark period of my life… Continues to help my heart heal from old wounds. It takes a strong man to be there when your girlfriend cries about another guy and an even greater one to step up and be a great dad to the hurricane.  And that’s not mentioning how welcoming and loving his family has been to us as well. I’m looking forward to the next year. To the surprises and amazing things to come. To more lasagna and salad at your moms house. To weekend trips to visit my family while we are all still close enough. To once a month date nights. To walks to nowhere and everywhere together. To silly little traditions we are making now, that will mean so much in the future. Glass half full of water *cheers* to us, one year in to our lifetime of adventure.  

Happy one year, my love. 

As always before,

Michelle 

Walking on Eggshells 

This morning a photo album posted by a Facebook friend stabbed an old wound right open. Pinched and hurt until tears fell from my eyes, because two years ago I was in this woman’s shoes. A scared, brand new single mom with not only my whole life in front of me, but a baby’s literal entire life as well. It was so much. Some days are still more difficult than others. 

But I have grown since then. My focal prayers, the ones I always come back to, have changed from patience and understanding to acceptance, peace, grace… I will always be working on those, to choose kindness over quick whit, to maintain a solid stance when my whole world is shaking. Today my prayers and thoughts and happy vibes (whatever works for them, whatever you will accept) are for those single moms, stuck so deep in the trenches it feels like there may be no light again. Because I have been there. I hope for more good days for them, more love and happy memories to wash away old regrets and what ifs.

Many things have changed in the past year alone.. My life has been blessed by the man who saw me, past the broken little bits and all the walls with which I tried to shield myself. He has become my true partner for all our current and future shenanigans. I am so thankful for his getting up with the hurricane in the middle of the night, for missing our son when he’s away at grandmas, for treating him like his own child, love and discipline and laughter and all.. We make this weird and awesome little family.

I don’t know.. It has been a particularly stressful week. Psychological warfare at work, pleasant enough yet taxing visits with the ex-husband and his family, and an awful case of allergies/maybe a head cold. I am looking forward to a whole lot of nothing this weekend. A whole weekend without the hurricane, without studying, without walking on eggshells. Life is good…sometimes you just have to walk past darkness into the light. Sometimes it helps to have someone show you the way. 

As always before, 

Michelle 

 

4 + 4 

I don’t even know where to begin. I get this feeling often, starting a post just to delete it five lines in, a dozen times over.. 

I passed the California RVT exam!  That whole deal worked out a lot faster than I thought it could, given the application says it can take a couple months to process. It was great. Was even able to take it on a Saturday morning so that I did not have to miss work. It feels finished, finally, pending my certificate in the mail.  Four years of school and four years of life’s mostly beautiful randomness later.. I had regret not getting my license right out of school so often and it feels like I can finally let that go. A wrong corrected. *insert celebratory dancing/jumping up and down here*

And because I am a glutton for punishment, and because we had to jump on the opportunity to get this place, we moved in the short time between the national and state exam. So now, hello from a very slightly different part of my world. I always felt like I was just visiting the old apartment, and I can already tell this is a much better fit for the hurricane, boyfriend and me. For now at least. 

I am looking forward to having a lot more time for my little family and for myself. Stress stacked on top of stress does make the year fly by, but it’s just not an ideal way to live for any length of time. Five months has been punishment enough. All together now, breathe out. 

As always before,

Michelle