Memory in the Making

A little over twelve hours have passed since I dropped my husband off at the ship for the deployment.

I said I wouldn’t cry today, but I have a feeling that I might lose it while writing this post. My eyes have been burning all day from the tears they are holding back.

I miss him, like I would on any day that he didn’t come home for the night.. like a duty day, except I won’t be picking him up tomorrow morning, or the next day, or next week, or next month.

Next year. That’s a daunting, overwhelming idea. I have nothing better to count down to than our anniversary because it’s at the end of the month they might be home. 245 days to go. That’s a school year. That’s almost an entire pregnancy. It feels like forever tonight.

I think I’ve been in denial since the end of last week. I just can’t believe that they left. And I can’t believe that it won’t just be for six weeks like it’s been so many other times this year. I don’t know when it will hit me. I don’t think I want it to hit me. I’ll wake up tomorrow and have breakfast and send off some Etsy orders at the post office and go about my day business as usual. And hopefully before I know it it’ll be another memory.

No tears here tonight, I’m too tired to break down..

Here today, but gone..

We are all struggling. The Stennis wives, fiances and girlfriends. Maybe even other family members.

They’re leaving again. Here today, gone… some time soon, very soon. It’s easy to point out the stages of grief while scanning the various support groups for the women of the ship. Most are in denial. A few are angry and even less than those have no idea what is about to hit them.

Eight months is a long time. Half way parties are being planned for December, but I’ll be having a different sort of celebration. Welcoming a son to the world with the help of my mom, while his daddy is half a world away, literally. I’m not nervous about that, but the fear idea of holding “down the fort” up until that point has started to sink in. It started when my husband began the final project he would complete here this year; fixing up our laundry room by stacking the washer and dryer. Seems like such a simple thing, but when you realize after that all projects fall on you, it’s overwhelming.

What if something breaks? What if something goes wrong? I don’t even want to think about it now. I know what’s coming on the grand scheme of things but no one can prepare you for the day to day ins and outs of deployed life as the one left at home.

Next week when the ship pulls out for the final time this year a different sort of story will begin. Another one to tell our baby boy before he falls asleep, once he is no longer kicking my bladder, that is.

I love Washington

It’s midnight and I should still be sleeping, but the rain woke me up.

It’s been a miserably hot week in Bremerton. We bought this house knowing it had no ceiling fans or air conditioner, because we were assured we wouldn’t need them. Psh!!? 87 degrees is hot at noon, but it’s even worse when it’s still 80 plus degrees inside at 9pm.

A few locals have mentioned this heat snap being out of the norm for the area, and I hope they are right!! I can’t stand the heat anymore. Pregnancy has turned me into a walking furnace as it is.

*yawn* Anyway, back to dream land I go. That’s another odd pregnancy thing, when I wake up, I am awake and ready to go, no matter what time it is! haha.

Nursery in the Making

I knew from the moment we bought this house which room would be the nursery. It was an obvious choice. The sailor thought it should be the smaller bedroom, but I explained to him that there’s no way a crib and other baby furniture would fit in there! Especially not the large glider chair I am buying very shortly.

So the “second bedroom,” – where we used to store boxes and random things that found new homes on closet shelves – was cleaned out last week by yours truly. It was a four hour ordeal. I don’t know how so many things came to be stashed there. Nevertheless, it was spotless, move in ready, so I got to work. The floorboards, windows and doors were taped, a plan was drawn up. And then I ran into the problem that nothing in that room was straight! I wanted to put up modified chair-molding, but I couldn’t measure a straight line from the floor and I couldnt’ measure a straight line from the ceiling. I called my dad and he reassured me that most rooms in older houses have settled and not even a laser level is helpful in those cases. So I modified my plan, bought a yardstick with a built in level and decided to wing it!

My “as close to perfect as I can get” line is on the wall and I’m waiting for the paint to dry before I do some more taping and painting. I can’t wait to reveal the final look! :)

Spring Cleaning

I’ve seen this post written a dozen times across the blogosphere. Something bad happens and the blogger disappears for a while and then triumphantly returns, better than ever! At least that’s how it usually goes. Sometimes it takes longer than others, sometimes the author never returns. I don’t know exactly how long I’ve been away, but things are indeed better.

I did a lot of soul searching the past week or so, while the sailor was away. I cleaned my house, cleaned out some of the junk from my life, from my heart. I forget now what I’ve said and what I’ve kept to myself, but I will share a few things that I have learned and move on.

I’ve learned I don’t like keeping the company of people who play the “let’s compare lives and see who has it worse” game. There is one person in particular who I am talking about here, and he or she will know who they are, if they ever stumbled across my blog. There is already so much negativity in life that if we all focused on it, we’d be dragged down into the murky depths of depression. I’ve decided to establish some boundaries with this person, and I feel better for it.

My husband is leaving his maybe, one week old baby at the end of December for a four month surge deployment. That doesn’t mean I’m going to mope about it. (At least not now while I still have the best of my hormones, not the other way around!) It doesn’t mean I’m going to run home to mommy and daddy. I am soo thankful for my Mom because she is going to come up and help out, but this is my baby and I am so looking forward to decorating the nursery and bringing him or her here. My place, my space. A new little happily ever after in the making. Who says I can’t have as many of those as I want?

After wishing I could be working, just to work, not because we’re hurting for the money or I’m bored of my life.. I realized, I picked the right career for me. I had been beating myself up because I wasn’t sure if being a vet tech was really the job for me.. what if I had wasted all that money and time in college for a degree that doesn’t fit me? I didn’t. It’s just that family became more important for the time being. There will be a time when I go back to work, but I can’t say right now when that will be.

So there you have it. It was time for a spring cleaning of my whole life. It may sound corny or cheesy but I honestly feel relieved and renewed. The daily headaches I was having are gone, and I think that’s because a load of bricks was taken off my chest.

Bedtime Rambling

Went for an hour and half long walk tonight! Didn’t start out intending to be out and about for that long.. it kinda just happened. Was nice to enjoy the breeze for a while and not be sitting on the couch at home.

I’m not super comfortable in this neighborhood yet. We are still new-ish to the area and it’s definitely not the neighborhood I grew up in! It’ll take a while getting used to and comfortable walking here. But thinking back to my home town, it took a year to work up to walking all the way across town (a six mile trek I’d make on an almost nightly basis). It’s a small town. Haha.

It is weird to think that next year, around this time, I’ll be pushing a stroller.. a little fun to think about too.

Summer Soon

I was thinking I owed it to anyone who might still read this thing to post something besides a weekly update, but all I’ve got are a bunch of random thoughts on my mind.

It felt like summer earlier this week. Was bright and sunny, like we brought back a part of CA to the typically gloomy Washington skies. Didn’t last long though, because it is once again an overcast and misty day out there. Was sunny long enough for me to buy a hoola hoop though, in the spirit of summer and all. I’m going to see if I can get Graham to jump through it, even though he really isn’t that great at jumping. And then I’ll get to see if I’m still any good at hula hooping. Haha! A gym I used to work out at in SoCal had weighted hula hoops and they were the best at working out your abs while standing up. It was either use the muscles, or squish your kidneys which never really felt all that awesome. That’s part of the reason I suspect – despite this little fat covering I’ve got on my belly – that it will be a long time before I’m honestly “showing” or have “popped.” I’m okay with that though. Less stretching = less stretch marks.

I’m still fighting off this cold. Had a major coughing fit as I walked into Target which was less than ideal considering all the stares I got. I know, sick people suck, but I’ve still got shopping to do and finally have the energy to leave the house for more than cold medicine. Oh! Speaking of shopping, I’m going to challenge myself to cook a wider variety of dinners. I’m in a major food rut of pasta, shake and bake chicken, salad w/ranch dressing. Things that are fine every once in a while, but have become far too easy to make way too often. I want more variety. And I also want to start making a salad as part of our meals every night for dinner. Doing the dishes together after that,  and going on walks afterwards. It’s time for some change.

I really wish I could be grocery shopping right now, as our fridge doesn’t have much besides yogurt, pickles and condiments in it. I feel the need to clarify that the pickles are for me, but not because I’m pregnant, just because they are delicious with a turkey and cheese sandwich. Instead of shopping for lunch foods and dinner foods, I am instead stuck here waiting for a plumber to come give me an estimate of what it will cost to clean the massive root invasion in our sewer line. The line that runs diagonally down our entire front yard. The same one I am hoping they can just jet (clean) and not have to dig a trench and replace because that would look seriously awful for a long time. Fingers crossed! The joys of home ownership; always something that needs fixing/replaced/worked on/painted. Anyway, I think I’ve about said enough for now. Going to make myself a sandwich for lunch and then take Graham a lamb out for some fetch in the yard. That is, if he actually feels like retrieving the ball today, unlike yesterday when he just looked at it.

Too Much

I have too much to say; too much on my mind. It’s just about nine right now, and I have to be at  the Seattle-Tacoma airport at 11:30ish tonight to pick up my mom. I had mentioned before that she is staying with me for ten days to help me move and get settled into the house and those ten days start tonight, technically.

I still need the sheets to finish drying and make up the bed and put the dishes away that are drying on the dish rack. It’s funny, growing up my mom would always freak out when my grandma was coming to visit and I never understood why everything had to be super clean and organized. Obviously my grandma raised my mom, so she must have known my mom wasn’t that organized… but knowing that my mom was coming, I made sure both the house and apartment looked the best they could! It was like a compulsion.. And it was no easy task to accomplish because I’m basically living in two places.

Today was a hard day otherwise.. Logan is in Hawaii for the weekend and should be back in Washington very early in March. I foolishly expected him to text or call more than he seemed to want to and today just didn’t go how I expected. Sighs.. being a Navy wife is definitely taking some getting used to… and realizing that my husband WILL act different around different people and realizing that I don’t always like my husband. I think that’s the thing about marriage even more so than dating; not liking your significant other is not reason to run away. You have to work it out. And when the person you’re married to runs away, it hurts, because you’re left there alone, holding your relationship together.

Blah, blah, I don’t know. I’ve got my cup of coffee and Kitchen Nightmares on Hulu.com to keep me company for the next hour until I have to leave.

 

Sense of Style

I really have no idea what I’m doing, as far as decorating a house goes.. The kitchen/dining room was easy to “decorate”… put up some curtains for privacy, assemble chairs and dining table, place cute kitchenaid mixer on counter, put utensils in decorative cup from Target, done. The office was easy.. place the papisan chair  we already own in a corner, put a computer table and laptops nearby, put up curtains that block out the light in case we want to watch movies. My problem – and I use that word lightly – is that I fail at decorating bedrooms, and living rooms. So the dream design for half of my house is still blank in my mind!! That is, except for the picture frame wall project thing I am already working on.. Spent $35 on about 20 real wood frames, so that is cool. All set to spray paint them all black tomorrow, but that only takes care of one wall.

Such a stupid thing to complain about, I know.. but my life is all comforter sets, couches and curtains lately, so forgive me if that’s all I really have to talk about. This would not be such a big deal, if I weren’t such a perfectionist, as my little sister reminded me today on the phone. It was almost funny, I had forgotten that I do still get hung up on small things because everything has to “work” together, that the whole house has to flow and be, for the lack of a better term, perfect. Comforter sets in particular throw me off… I have never owned one, but it seems like the grown up thing to have, but it is hard knowing what will match the bedroom set we want. And I would prefer my feather blanket over any fake fluff filled, swirly lined comforter any day. I don’t know. It’s late and I’m waiting for my hair to dry a little bit before I go to sleep so my pillow doesn’t get all wet and gross.

Hoping a good night’s rest brings some clarity to this all.. but in any case, I’ll be back over at the house in the morning while the ADT guy tells me how much security we’re going to need in dollars and cents.

Happy Valentine’s Day, by the way, in case I don’t have a chance to post tomorrow. In high school and college I always took a sharpie and wrote “Love” on my arm/hand a la, http://www.twloha.com/. I hope whoever you are reading this, that you know you are not alone and you are loved, I promise, if only by me. :]

Love is the movement, people.

Visits and Stuff

My mom is visiting!!! I haven’t seen any of my family members since last June when I moved home for a week after graduating college before making the move out to South Carolina. I need some help moving from our apartment to the new house, so she offered to fly up and help me out because hubby won’t be back until the first week of March at the earliest. It will be nice having her around.. She’s got a lot more home owning experience than I do.

Speaking of the house, I have been spending my days moving stuff over and unpacking and putting up curtains… Haven’t done much besides that at this point, to be honest. At least that part of the house looks awesome. :] I also bought a ton (read: dozen) picture frames from Goodwill that I’m going to paint black and make a wall collage type thing. I’ll post pics of that project as I go along. :]