Best Friends and Tangents

I miss my best friends.

It is so late. I should be sleeping like the rest of this household, but my mind is buzzing with activity and I cannot seem to shut it down, brand new pillow or not. I did not get to sleep in this morning and I was up late last night too. Apologies in advance because this post will likely end up unproofed and as messy as my front room this morning when the Hurricane dumped his bucket of trains and books and assorted toys e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e.

So last night, my best friend and I had our montly-ish girl night and I drank about four too many glasses of iced tea at the ever awesome downtown brewery. Best cobb salad in the city. Way too much caffeine. She was catching me up on her adventures when she felt the need to use the disclaimer that although I am her best friend, I’m not THE best friend she’s ever had. Duh, right? So funny that she even felt the need to qualify having more than one best friend because 1. We are not in high school and 2. She’s not THE best friend I’ve ever had either, which I know she knows. I do love her to death though.

So hop, skip, a few dozen tangents and twenty-four hours later.. I miss my other best friends. I sincerely believe those are my soulmates. The really BIG, important, significant people who come into your life just before you really need them and usually leave when you hardly notice you don’t as much anymore. My high school best friend who knew both me and my ex-husband. I miss that drive across town, just to hang out in her room and talk about.. I can’t even remember. I know I wasn’t her best, best friend, but that’s okay. My college best friends. We used to have everything in common and now we’ve all gone in different directions, friendships fragmented by too much distance, too much time. I miss playing Wii, all cramped in a tiny dorm room. I miss late night trips to the Fishbowl, talking about laws of attraction, our classes, life after college and spending all of our spare change on vending machine hot chocolate. The late night to early morning chats on our LAN music sharing site about literally everything, everything.

I am not the same person who was their best friend, and tonight especially I wonder if they would recognize me at all, but I do miss them. I would love a day to catch up with each of them. To get a glimpse of how things turned out for them. To let them know that I cheer them on when they come to mind. And although I know circumstances will never be the same to make us active best friends again, these people will always have a place in my heart.

Such is the nature of soulmates.

Michelle

Static Motion

Tonight is one of those nights. Up late. Mulling over love and the meaning of life when it sounds like the whole world has gone to bed besides me. I’ve got the hum of a window fan and the quiet sound of my boyfriend’s breathing to keep me company. “Isn’t it odd sometimes? I asked just before he fell into his dreams… “Isn’t it funny to think how we ended up here?” But I was already too lost in my thoughts to remember what he might have said in response.

Maybe it’s all the water I have been drinking (in part as a challenge for myself) to wash away toxins and have clearer skin and less wrinkles and *fingers crossed* less headaches and migraines. So much water, that my heart and mind can’t help but be a little cleansed too. Old musings and bits of wonder and questions too big for a tired mind to handle washing up. These thoughts like well-worn beach glass, showing up at random, catching my attention.

It is a difficult thing being satisfied with where you are, who you are and feeling the pull, way deep down in your heart and in your soul that things will have to change. That constant push and pull between static and motion. When you stop, just for a second and realize that each of us accepts or creates the life we think we deserve, that we think will best work in our favor. I’m not there yet.

Shouldn’t we be allowed to willingly shed our skin and grow into better versions of ourselves? That those who believe people can change be given the grace to do as much?

If you ask me, yes.. But I am the biased creator of my sleepy, rambling universe and it so long, so long past my bedtime.

With love but mostly light,

Michelle

One Year!

The boyfriend and I have been together, officially, for a year now. One year! Does not sound like very long at all, in the grand scheme of things. Especially given my tendency to wander back into the past. But here we are… And yes we are cute. :)

 

If you follow me on Instagram (@finity113) then you have probably seen most of these photos before. If not, take a sneak peak into our random life together. We like being active and silly and marveling at how adorable the hurricane is and cat pictures and cake. 

I have a happy heart, a full love tank. This man is my zen, my other half. He helped to pull me out from a dark period of my life… Continues to help my heart heal from old wounds. It takes a strong man to be there when your girlfriend cries about another guy and an even greater one to step up and be a great dad to the hurricane.  And that’s not mentioning how welcoming and loving his family has been to us as well. I’m looking forward to the next year. To the surprises and amazing things to come. To more lasagna and salad at your moms house. To weekend trips to visit my family while we are all still close enough. To once a month date nights. To walks to nowhere and everywhere together. To silly little traditions we are making now, that will mean so much in the future. Glass half full of water *cheers* to us, one year in to our lifetime of adventure.  

Happy one year, my love. 

As always before,

Michelle 

Walking on Eggshells 

This morning a photo album posted by a Facebook friend stabbed an old wound right open. Pinched and hurt until tears fell from my eyes, because two years ago I was in this woman’s shoes. A scared, brand new single mom with not only my whole life in front of me, but a baby’s literal entire life as well. It was so much. Some days are still more difficult than others. 

But I have grown since then. My focal prayers, the ones I always come back to, have changed from patience and understanding to acceptance, peace, grace… I will always be working on those, to choose kindness over quick whit, to maintain a solid stance when my whole world is shaking. Today my prayers and thoughts and happy vibes (whatever works for them, whatever you will accept) are for those single moms, stuck so deep in the trenches it feels like there may be no light again. Because I have been there. I hope for more good days for them, more love and happy memories to wash away old regrets and what ifs.

Many things have changed in the past year alone.. My life has been blessed by the man who saw me, past the broken little bits and all the walls with which I tried to shield myself. He has become my true partner for all our current and future shenanigans. I am so thankful for his getting up with the hurricane in the middle of the night, for missing our son when he’s away at grandmas, for treating him like his own child, love and discipline and laughter and all.. We make this weird and awesome little family.

I don’t know.. It has been a particularly stressful week. Psychological warfare at work, pleasant enough yet taxing visits with the ex-husband and his family, and an awful case of allergies/maybe a head cold. I am looking forward to a whole lot of nothing this weekend. A whole weekend without the hurricane, without studying, without walking on eggshells. Life is good…sometimes you just have to walk past darkness into the light. Sometimes it helps to have someone show you the way. 

As always before, 

Michelle 

 

Out of the Park

The results of the Vet Tech National Exam (VTNE) are in……

I passed!!! Not only passed, but amazingly enough, knocked it out of the park. I wish I were not so surprised, but that test was HARD for this mom brain to manage, especially with a million other little things going on.

It has been so great not having that stress on my shoulders, and now, to really know I am over.done.beyond that stage in getting my license. All I need is approval to take the CA exam and I will be good to go, a registered veterinary technologist. T-minus three months-ish to wait. Boom. :)

As Always Before,

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Eye of the Hurricane

The hurricane has been super sick lately. I am talking a fever that rapidly climbed from 101 degrees (fahrenheit, for my non-US readers) to 105.4 degrees at its highest, and stayed mostly in the 103-105 degree range. Crazy, crazy high temps for a little tot. Way too close for comfort to the 107.6 degrees when brain damage can occur. Five trips to the doctors office, at least a dozen necessary doses of fever reducing medication, and one entire day spent at the ER later… he has/had not only an ear infection, but strep throat, which is apparently super rare in toddlers. I had the most difficult time finding a doctor or nurse that would take me seriously. I cannot tell you how many times I was told “toddlers do not get strep, this is probably just a virus.” The thing is, everyone who has access to the internet knows viruses rarely cause high fevers, and are even more rare to stick around as long as the hurricane had symptoms, which was for over twelve days, in case you were wondering. Still not sure how he caught it, because everyone, anyone who had or has had any contact with him, has not come down with strep themselves. Most importantly now, special shout out to my mom for coming down and spending the second half of this past week with us so that I could return to work.

And so now, the national exam is just a hop, skip and a jump away. Scary. I am not ready and yet so ready to have it over with at the same time. All of this studying and stressing is so reminiscent of college, around times when a big exam was coming up and I just missed having down time that was all my own…the time that does not already belong to one obligation or another. But I am way committed to finishing this, this year. Can’t stop. I did consider rescheduling due to lack of proper study time, what with work and the hurricane being ill, but decided against that idea. Plus, I did pass the practice exam I took yesterday, so here’s hoping for these final weeks of studying landing me a good score.

In the past month there have been a couple awkward, boundary-pushing text conversations between the ex-husband and me. My daily Divorce Care emails are just about done, having covered all five areas of grief, and are now heavily focusing on reconciliation, not that he could possibly know that, not that we are ever going to be candidates for the remarriage part of reconciling. I definitely feel comfortable saying that I hope some day we have a friendly relationship.. but at the same time know that may never be possible, because he may never do his part of the work to get there, and that does make me a little sad. Dream ideal would be me and my husband sitting with him and his wife with our families watching the hurricane’s high school or college graduation. That might be a little bit of a stretch but it is at least fifteen years away. A lot has happened in five years, considering I was still in college and not even engaged to be married five years ago at this time. Just imagine what might go down in the next fifteen…

I think that about wraps up the past forty-ish days since I was last able to squeeze in some writing time. Special hello to the random rush of new readers here, as well to the one or two potential regulars I seem to have from Brazil. I hope this blog is as nice an escape from your daily routine as it has become mine.

As always,

Michelle

ps. Next time you make pepperoni pizza from the freezer section add sliced avocado and sour cream after it’s cooled for a minute or two. Thank me later. Unless you’re on a diet, in which case you did not hear this from me.