One Year!

The boyfriend and I have been together, officially, for a year now. One year! Does not sound like very long at all, in the grand scheme of things. Especially given my tendency to wander back into the past. But here we are… And yes we are cute. :)

 

If you follow me on Instagram (@finity113) then you have probably seen most of these photos before. If not, take a sneak peak into our random life together. We like being active and silly and marveling at how adorable the hurricane is and cat pictures and cake. 

I have a happy heart, a full love tank. This man is my zen, my other half. He helped to pull me out from a dark period of my life… Continues to help my heart heal from old wounds. It takes a strong man to be there when your girlfriend cries about another guy and an even greater one to step up and be a great dad to the hurricane.  And that’s not mentioning how welcoming and loving his family has been to us as well. I’m looking forward to the next year. To the surprises and amazing things to come. To more lasagna and salad at your moms house. To weekend trips to visit my family while we are all still close enough. To once a month date nights. To walks to nowhere and everywhere together. To silly little traditions we are making now, that will mean so much in the future. Glass half full of water *cheers* to us, one year in to our lifetime of adventure.  

Happy one year, my love. 

As always before,

Michelle 

Walking on Eggshells 

This morning a photo album posted by a Facebook friend stabbed an old wound right open. Pinched and hurt until tears fell from my eyes, because two years ago I was in this woman’s shoes. A scared, brand new single mom with not only my whole life in front of me, but a baby’s literal entire life as well. It was so much. Some days are still more difficult than others. 

But I have grown since then. My focal prayers, the ones I always come back to, have changed from patience and understanding to acceptance, peace, grace… I will always be working on those, to choose kindness over quick whit, to maintain a solid stance when my whole world is shaking. Today my prayers and thoughts and happy vibes (whatever works for them, whatever you will accept) are for those single moms, stuck so deep in the trenches it feels like there may be no light again. Because I have been there. I hope for more good days for them, more love and happy memories to wash away old regrets and what ifs.

Many things have changed in the past year alone.. My life has been blessed by the man who saw me, past the broken little bits and all the walls with which I tried to shield myself. He has become my true partner for all our current and future shenanigans. I am so thankful for his getting up with the hurricane in the middle of the night, for missing our son when he’s away at grandmas, for treating him like his own child, love and discipline and laughter and all.. We make this weird and awesome little family.

I don’t know.. It has been a particularly stressful week. Psychological warfare at work, pleasant enough yet taxing visits with the ex-husband and his family, and an awful case of allergies/maybe a head cold. I am looking forward to a whole lot of nothing this weekend. A whole weekend without the hurricane, without studying, without walking on eggshells. Life is good…sometimes you just have to walk past darkness into the light. Sometimes it helps to have someone show you the way. 

As always before, 

Michelle 

 

Out of the Park

The results of the Vet Tech National Exam (VTNE) are in……

I passed!!! Not only passed, but amazingly enough, knocked it out of the park. I wish I were not so surprised, but that test was HARD for this mom brain to manage, especially with a million other little things going on.

It has been so great not having that stress on my shoulders, and now, to really know I am over.done.beyond that stage in getting my license. All I need is approval to take the CA exam and I will be good to go, a registered veterinary technologist. T-minus three months-ish to wait. Boom. :)

As Always Before,

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Eye of the Hurricane

The hurricane has been super sick lately. I am talking a fever that rapidly climbed from 101 degrees (fahrenheit, for my non-US readers) to 105.4 degrees at its highest, and stayed mostly in the 103-105 degree range. Crazy, crazy high temps for a little tot. Way too close for comfort to the 107.6 degrees when brain damage can occur. Five trips to the doctors office, at least a dozen necessary doses of fever reducing medication, and one entire day spent at the ER later… he has/had not only an ear infection, but strep throat, which is apparently super rare in toddlers. I had the most difficult time finding a doctor or nurse that would take me seriously. I cannot tell you how many times I was told “toddlers do not get strep, this is probably just a virus.” The thing is, everyone who has access to the internet knows viruses rarely cause high fevers, and are even more rare to stick around as long as the hurricane had symptoms, which was for over twelve days, in case you were wondering. Still not sure how he caught it, because everyone, anyone who had or has had any contact with him, has not come down with strep themselves. Most importantly now, special shout out to my mom for coming down and spending the second half of this past week with us so that I could return to work.

And so now, the national exam is just a hop, skip and a jump away. Scary. I am not ready and yet so ready to have it over with at the same time. All of this studying and stressing is so reminiscent of college, around times when a big exam was coming up and I just missed having down time that was all my own…the time that does not already belong to one obligation or another. But I am way committed to finishing this, this year. Can’t stop. I did consider rescheduling due to lack of proper study time, what with work and the hurricane being ill, but decided against that idea. Plus, I did pass the practice exam I took yesterday, so here’s hoping for these final weeks of studying landing me a good score.

In the past month there have been a couple awkward, boundary-pushing text conversations between the ex-husband and me. My daily Divorce Care emails are just about done, having covered all five areas of grief, and are now heavily focusing on reconciliation, not that he could possibly know that, not that we are ever going to be candidates for the remarriage part of reconciling. I definitely feel comfortable saying that I hope some day we have a friendly relationship.. but at the same time know that may never be possible, because he may never do his part of the work to get there, and that does make me a little sad. Dream ideal would be me and my husband sitting with him and his wife with our families watching the hurricane’s high school or college graduation. That might be a little bit of a stretch but it is at least fifteen years away. A lot has happened in five years, considering I was still in college and not even engaged to be married five years ago at this time. Just imagine what might go down in the next fifteen…

I think that about wraps up the past forty-ish days since I was last able to squeeze in some writing time. Special hello to the random rush of new readers here, as well to the one or two potential regulars I seem to have from Brazil. I hope this blog is as nice an escape from your daily routine as it has become mine.

As always,

Michelle

ps. Next time you make pepperoni pizza from the freezer section add sliced avocado and sour cream after it’s cooled for a minute or two. Thank me later. Unless you’re on a diet, in which case you did not hear this from me.

Dissonance :: A tension or clash resulting from the combination of two disharmonious or unsuitable elements.

I have lost my best friend. I lost him a long time ago, actually. I can’t pinpoint exactly when.. It was so gradual, such a slow process that even though it was happening right in front of my eyes, I failed to see it.

I failed to notice the dissonance creeping in. That the ways in which we clashed began grossly outnumbering the ways in which we got along. That there was very little we actually agreed on, that we had no business carrying on as if everything were fine like we did.

We had no business buying a house or having a baby or anything of that nature. We were fools, in and out of love so fast it almost makes my head spin thinking about it now.

It was an unfinished story and bets were placed that everything would be okay, but it wasn’t.. And it isn’t.

It begs the question why we ever got married, because certainly, by that point, we were already well on our way here. It didn’t happen overnight. We fell out of love so, so slowly. One miscommunication at a time. Argument after small argument building and adding up to wasted tears falling.
Broken, broken.

To fix this, it, us feels impossible because so little remains. Why did we fall in love in the first place? What was that charm, that spell cast over those days, now years ago..?

It is impossible for anyone but God to help heal these wounds attained from foul emotional play. Words like daggers meant to cut and damage. Tearing apart any of the good left.

What good is left?

Two Months Old

Two Months Old

Hey Baby Bee,

Two months have passed since the day you were born. You’ve got a few hours to go, my little night owl, until you are officially two months old, but we won’t fuss over such a small detail.

So much has changed in the past month. Put on a few more pounds putting you at over twelve pounds now and reaching two whole feet in length. Shortly after you turned a month old, Grandma had to go home, so that meant it was just me and you for the first time since our first night together in the hospital. I would be lying to you, if I said I wasn’t scared at first. It took almost a week, but we got into some kind of a routine. Up for the day around seven in the morning, first nap about two hours after that.. And every day varies from there.

We got the hang of running errands just the two of us, and you started collecting smiles from old ladies. You even earned mommy the “award for the perfect baby.” I give at least half the credit of that to babywearing, something of which you are still a big fan.

We started cloth diapers and started you on Zantac for your reflux issues. You still spit up, but you don’t cry out in pain anymore after every nursing. While the acid breath did make you more of a little dragon, I would rather you not have breath so hot it made you miserable. Mommy also gave up all dairy just for you. Going on three weeks with no plans to test your tolerance again any time soon.

Our days still pass in a semi-blur, more from repetition than sleep deprivation. Last month you figured out your days and nights, and this month you started sleeping more than two or three hours at a time at night. I was shocked the first time you slept five hours! I can remember double checking the time because you had never slept more than three hours before, and even that had been pushing it. Seems like such a small detail, but those extra two hours of sleep add up fast! You put yourself to sleep “for the night” around 11pm every night, give or take an hour… and you sleep for anywhere from 3-6 hours for the first block. How much you sleep in however many blocks depends night to night. It doesn’t make too much of a difference to me. No matter how you add it up, we are both getting more sleep, and I would like to think we are both happier for it.

You started smiling more often this month, and I just know I’ve heard you giggle once or twice. It’s the cutest thing seeing your face light up when you see me first thing in the morning or after one of your many naps. You’re going to make your dad so happy the first time you smile at him.

We both love you to the moon and back, bumble butt, even though that could never be far enough..

Love,
Mom

8 Weeks Later

Tomorrow the little man will be eight weeks old. During tonight’s snuggle session I had a chance to look at the photos taken during his birth. I uploaded them when I got the disk from my doula, but I wasn’t ready to look at them before.. Something about that night was too raw to face any sooner than now; perhaps that my husband is missing from the pictures, or knowing I was far from my ideal weight at that time.

But it was more than that. I wasn’t ready to experience those moments from someone else’s eyes, for the fear that it wasn’t everything I remembered it to be. That somehow it had only been magical in my mind.

I held my breath, and I saw me becoming a mom. The concentration it took, the pain I can recall but can’t really remember. The ugly cry face I knew I was making but couldn’t stop…and then the look of pure love, staring down at this new and perfect, tiny human. I’m thankful those memories were captured for me.

And although I am far from having “baby fever” I can see why moms are willing to go through labor again and again. For those first moments when you are able to hold your whole world in your arms.
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