Consider Us Lucky

The Stennis finally pulled into its (her?) home port yesterday afternooon. And while my sailor has been home a little over a week, there was a sense of finality knowing his ship is home too. I grew up the daughter of a top-sider, and life married to a man considered ship’s company is much different. Wherever the ship goes, he goes, and it has spent a lot of time away lately.

It is easy to get sucked into a negative frame of mind. The game of if/then is effortless, but rarely offers much comfort. Even now that he is home, I have caught myself thinking if he had never left……blah. It doesn’t do any good.

I consider us lucky because of our timing arriving here, he wasn’t on the whole 2011-2012 deployment as well. He joined the ship when they were six weeks out; when others aboard had been gone for six months at that point.

I consider us lucky that the sailor is “stuck” on the Stennis a few more years.. That we aren’t like several people he has mentioned, just getting back from an eight month deployment and transferring to a ship just getting underway for their deployment. I don’t want to imagine how hard three back to back deployments would be.

I consider us lucky that our son was immediately comfortable in my husband’s arms, and that they have carried on as if they were never separated. That all cries except the “I am certain I am starving” cry are (fairly) quickly and easily solved by someone other than me. He may have been gone fifteen of the last twenty months. He may only have just met our son. And he may have gotten pooped on today, but he his home.

It is nice. The sun is shining and life is good.

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Eleven Days

Eleven days have come and gone since I last found a moment to write. In that time, my dad visited from California and we worked on several house projects. By “we” I mean that my Padre graciously did the work, while the little man and I supervised. It’s a little difficult to install ceiling fans and closet shelves and patch up walls with a baby in your arms! He did a lot more than that in the five days he was here though! We went to Lowes often enough that while I was walking around the store on my own (Grandpa had the baby!) someone stopped to ask me where the baby was. Haha! I’m so thankful for all the help around here so that when the hubby does get home, he can focus on being a dad, not a honey-do list.

And the little bee has just decided to make his nap one of the cat varieties. Short and sweet..

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November

My newsfeed on Facebook is buzzing with comments about this month. How is it November already, where has this year gone, they wonder.. Almost a dozen comments. And I’m over here like, it’s only November.

Does make me hope that some sort of nesting instinct kicks in soon. I met with my Doula earlier this week, and not even discussing my birth plan, in detail, made me realize that our baby boy will be here soon. Six weeks and some change is still plenty of time, right? I only have about half of my baby themed to-do list to go..

I have a basically untouched registry to complete, other things to buy, shelves to put up behind the changing table, a giant bunch of baby clothes to fold, hang or otherwise organize..

Today, however, is a slow day. I am enjoying the sun coming through the windows while it lasts and working on crocheted hats for a West Virginia Mountaineer fan. I better get to work on my list of things to do though, because it is November already, after all.

Registry

I made a Target registry today. For family members reading this, you can find it here :: Baby Boy Registry

The whole process was a lot more exhausting than a thought it could be, for a store with only four short aisles of baby stuff. I don’t think I realized how many things babies “need”.. and then, how many options there are out there. There were over a dozen different baby washes, rows of various butt creams, and an entire side of one aisle dedicated to just about every different brand and type of bottle you could imagine. Expect the super cool ones that I like which can be found here. And then there were health and wellness products like nose aspirators, boogey wipes and various thermometers. Was really awesome to see they sell cloth diapers though! Registered for some Fuzzibunz one size elite diapers and I would LOVE for someone to buy me those!

Basically, I learned there’s so much stuff we still need… like all the little things. And the scanner gun thing was pretty fun to use. I hope/pray that even though I’m not able to have a baby shower, that my family decides to help out a bit. Pretty please? Having a baby is expensive, yo. :)

A little too much..

Going to be a little too honest right now.

My marriage is not in the best place. The husband is leaving for a month. We are hopefully going to counseling when he gets home, because our communication sucks.

I am not in the best place right now. Left at home with a hubby who picks fights before he leaves so that he doesn’t have to miss me. In over my head, planning for this little one. Overwhelmed.

When it rains, it pours; and Washington did not get the memo that summer started yesterday.

Probably won’t be around much for the next little while. I don’t know. I already feel like I’ve said too much.

Bedtime Rambling

Went for an hour and half long walk tonight! Didn’t start out intending to be out and about for that long.. it kinda just happened. Was nice to enjoy the breeze for a while and not be sitting on the couch at home.

I’m not super comfortable in this neighborhood yet. We are still new-ish to the area and it’s definitely not the neighborhood I grew up in! It’ll take a while getting used to and comfortable walking here. But thinking back to my home town, it took a year to work up to walking all the way across town (a six mile trek I’d make on an almost nightly basis). It’s a small town. Haha.

It is weird to think that next year, around this time, I’ll be pushing a stroller.. a little fun to think about too.

A Little Recap and a Big Secret

Hey there, remember me? For those that are subscribed to my posts, it’s been another week of me saying nothing. It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say; more like, I was waiting for the right time. And for some reason, that feels like today.

I’m pregnant. Eight weeks, one day today. I was so worried about miscarriage up until seven weeks that I didn’t want to post anything, almost as if doing so would jinx myself. I have prayed and prayed to just be happy for each day for what it is, and now I figure if the worst case scenario happens, I’m going to want to be open about it. For anyone that knows me on Facebook PLEASE DO NOT SAY A WORD ABOUT THIS. I guess I just feel like those who read my blog actually bother to “know” me, and you all deserve a special treat. So now, for a little recap for those who don’t know my story.

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I can name about a half dozen people in my life that weren’t too happy or won’t be too happy when they find out that I’m pregnant. Some of them have gotten over the initial shock and have moved on to be supportive, but I have a suspicion a few will never like the idea.

No matter what they say, this baby was not an accident. For those who don’t know (which would include everyone but my sisters, parents, blog readers and in-laws) the hubby and I had quite the journey while trying to conceive. I was raised to value a career over family, but threw that idea out the window by marrying my best friend six weeks before I graduated from college. I did graduate, ahead of schedule, and moved to live with my darling/dear husband (DH) in the middle of June, 2011. It was the biggest secret at the time, that I stopped using the birth control pill that month and we started trying for a baby right away.

We tried for nine months before getting preconception workups done. My results came back stellar, but a week before I ovulated on month nine,  we received crushing news that we would likely never conceive on our own. Hubby’s semen analysis came back with an extremely low count and we were told, “your chance of conceiving on your own is less than the risk of conceiving with perfect birth control use, 0.1%.”

I guess we were that 1 in 1,000 couples! The ironic thing is, we weren’t going to try in March. I am a December baby (holla, December 14th!) and I was not excited about the possibility of having a December baby. With a new diagnosis of INFERTILITY, instead of preventing, we prayed for a miracle. And I would be lying if I said my eyes didn’t tear up while writing that sentence.

So here we are, both on the early end of our 20’s, having just celebrated our first year of marriage on April 29th and expecting our first little one! It hasn’t been the easiest pregnancy so far. I have had bleeding and spotting episodes, but early ultrasounds show that everything is on track, so far. If all goes well, we’ll go public (via Facebook, of course) after my next appointment on the 23rd, which also happens to be hubby’s birthday.

Thanks for reading. Thank you for the support if you’re willing to give it and any prayers you might want to send our way. We are so, incredibly thankful to be here.

One Chance

After a long discussion with my hubby last night, we decided that we are going to continue trying for a baby…but more importantly, this month only has once chance of working out. Some background for those not familiar with trying to conceive…

Women aren’t fertile all month. Fertility Friend (.com) is a great resource for those interested in charting their cycles and becoming more aware of what their bodies are doing all month long.. It describes the time a woman is able to get pregnant as the “fertile window” and goes on to say,

“Your fertile window is made up of the days in your menstrual cycle when pregnancy is possible. The length of this fertile phase is determined by the maximum life span of your partner’s sperm and your egg. Sperm can survive a maximum of five days in fertile cervical fluid and your ovum can survive for up to one day. Your theoretical fertile window is thus six days long, comprised of the five days before ovulation and the day of ovulation. You only have a chance to conceive when you have intercourse on these days. This means that pregnancy is technically possible from intercourse on any of these six days. The likelihood of actually becoming pregnant, however, is dramatically increased when you have intercourse in the three days immediately leading up to and including ovulation. This makes a practical fertile window of just three days.”

Today is cycle day twelve and the last few cycles I have ovulated on or around day eighteen. Given my doctor’s advice, we should only be baby dancing, “BDing”, (having sex) every two days, which seems crazy, but it’s what she said given that we have had trouble conceiving with a more traditional every day or every other day schedule. I’m not one who usually likes timing BD opportunities but given my hubby’s work schedule, my doctor’s advice and  his 24 hour duty days at work, we realistically have one chance to make it happen this month.

One chance for the little spermies to knock me up. Hahah.. That’s probably way too much to share on the internet, but that is my life, so there you go. :)

I’m not too confident this month will be our month but I am 100% OKAY not having a December baby given that I am a December baby and that month is crowded as it is!! Five more months of trying before Logan leaves for a six or seven month deployment. And please don’t paint me in your mind as some pathetically desperate woman; I am not, because this is all in God’s hands.

Baby Rant

I don’t know if I’ve written this post before. I feel like I may have, but I don’t feel like searching back through the archives to make sure I don’t restate the same things over again. If you’re reading this and it feels like deja vu, then it’s probably something you’ve heard me complain about before.

The hubby is at work today, all day (and night) so that leaves me alone wishing I had a friend to hang out with here. And more specifically, I wish I had a friend that understood how hard trying to conceive can be when it just isn’t happening.

I guess my chances would be higher if I were sixteen, in Vegas, in the back seat of some guy I met at a party’s car, drunk and “using” birth control.

Blah.

Seeing baby bump pictures on my newsfeed on Facebook from more than one friend certainly hasn’t helped much today either. Feeling defeated and broken and down about myself is not how I wanted to spend my Friday.

A Black and White World

Day six of my cycle today…

I feel weighed down by my thoughts and by the number that would currently show on the scale IF I weighed myself today, which I won’t, because I am not ready to see what that number might be. More like, I know numbers can play games with my mind and I would rather not be thrown into a downward spiral of self-hate by seeing something larger than my mind finds “acceptable.” That is yet another unwanted side-effect I have to deal with from my weight loss journey. When I was constantly losing weight, the numbers mattered because they tracked progress.  But now that I am attempting to maintain within a small range/size, the numbers hover somewhere between helpful and evil. Stay the same size, and all is good. Lose a little bit and I feel great. Gain….. well, that’s a whole bunch of mess wrapped up into three digits on a scale :: disappointment, anger, frustration, sadness..  Failure.

I am sure anyone struggling with their weight can empathize with that feeling. How this all ties into the Baby Thing, is that I am not the size I wanted to be when I got pregnant. I wanted to be  _ _ _  pounds and I am something more like… twenty pounds over that, to be honest,which amounts to twenty pounds gained in the past year. (which by the way, makes me feel like a complete failure, among other things..) There are many things I can blame for my weight gain; the first year of marriage, three moves in the past year, adjusting to a different lifestyle after college, a full time job, no car, a puppy.. but ultimately I know there is nothing to blame but myself. My doctor wasn’t worried about my weight at my preconception appointment last month, because I am just at the top of my weight range, but it’s not where I *like* being. This isn’t the size I feel best about myself. I am scared at the idea of starting a pregnancy at this weight, knowing full well I will probably gain 20 pounds or more.

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