Cycle Day One

I have gone back and forth on whether I was going to post about today about a dozen times this morning…but I think I am ready to start being more open about this. It is cycle day one, and for those not familiar with the terminology, means I am not pregnant because my period just started. Probably too much information for some people, I know, but get ready for a whole lot more of it because month nine of trying to conceive our first has just started.

Last month, cycle number eight was a bust, because Logan was out of town the entire month, so this visit from AF (“Aunt Flo” aka period) was totally expected. I think having no hope that last cycle might lead to positive pregnancy test was exactly what I needed. After months and months of negative tests I was starting to feel really defeated, but no more of that. I know some day I will be a mother, some how, and right now I just need to have faith that it will happen exactly when God wants it to happen.

I wasn’t sure I was up for trying this month. But after not charting last cycle and not knowing when to expect my period, I realized that I like knowing what is going on with my body. So I will be using my clear blue easy fertility monitor to track my cycle this month and I will obviously be “baby dancing” with my husband because we are newlyweds after all and if that leads to a positive pregnancy test in a month, I will be thrilled. And if not, well then, maybe next month..

Positive outlook only.

Telling my MIL

I haven’t always been on the best terms with my mother in law. To keep a long story short, I was not exactly the girl she thought her son would want to marry. That is all water under the bridge now, so they say.

My husband and I had been keeping our hopes to have a baby mostly to ourselves. When we first started trying last June I told my best friend, and he told a few work buddies. When my mom asked a few months later, I told her and she told my sisters. I still don’t know if my Dad knows, and we haven’t talked about it. The decision to keep it to ourselves was a simple one. I was pretty sure we would be trying for a while and I didn’t want everyone to keep asking if we had any news. Looking back now, I am happy with that decision.. It’s been eight months now and the only thing I have to show for it is, well, nothing. I am having some blood work done to check my hormone levels but that’s fairly routine for a preconception health checkup. I feel like it has been long enough now that I can be more open about this journey. Maybe hearing my story will help others out there that are in their 20 somethings and having trouble conceiving. I wish it was as easy as a drunken night, but it hasn’t been for us..

Anyway, along the same line of keeping this to ourselves, I have this policy that if I’m asked something point blank, I won’t lie. I don’t go out of my way to share everything with everyone, but if asked, I feel like it’s important to be honest, so when my mother in law brought up kids and if we knew when we wanted to start trying, I told her we already had been trying. She was surprised, but oddly supportive. It was definitely NOT the reaction I expected from her considering just a year ago she was completely against our relationship. I think she is trying to repair the damage that was done to our relationship (mine and hers) before I married her son, and I appreciate that. I don’t like the probable fact that she may tell my brother and sister in law, but that’s something I knew in the back of my mind when I told her.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I wanted this blog to be an open forum for me to share anything I wanted.. A safe place to get things off my chest and I’m going to start doing a little more of that. Previously, I have felt a little embarrassed posting about baby stuff, but I don’t know why. It is my life. Having a baby is a decision that I have tried to push away for a while now, and it keeps coming back up in my heart, so here we are. This month is obviously a break month because DH is gone and I think it’s just what we needed. I will keep anyone who is interested updated if anything changes..

Nine/Ten

I woke up with an awful headache this morning after dreaming about saving kittens from an abandoned house. The two are unrelated, I am sure, but it was a really weird and very involved dream. I even dreamt of trying to adopt the orange kitten but was worried since he was a boy that our male cat, “Meeko,” would throw a fit and hate us for the next year.

I have never woken up hungover, and I was not drinking last night, but I think this is part of how it feels. Head pounding so hard I can hear it in my ears, eyes hurt to focus on anything.. Don’t want to move but can’t stay in bed because the pressure is too much and pain meds are in the kitchen. Ouch.

I had wanted to get out of the apartment today, go for a walk if it wasn’t too rainy or maybe walk on the treadmill at my apartment complex’s laughably small “gym.” But for now I am stranded on the couch with a heating pad on my shoulders, listening to my heart beat in my ears. I think the worst part is knowing what my ob-gyn in South Carolina told me: No pain relievers other than tylenol because it can negatively impact implantation. Nothing but tylenol and a prenatal should be going in your mouth.

And that is a quote. Apparently you can’t have a baby and take excedrin migraine too. I don’t think she knew tylenol stopped working for me when I was six, but that’s not to say I didn’t take it anyway.