Best Friends and Tangents

I miss my best friends.

It is so late. I should be sleeping like the rest of this household, but my mind is buzzing with activity and I cannot seem to shut it down, brand new pillow or not. I did not get to sleep in this morning and I was up late last night too. Apologies in advance because this post will likely end up unproofed and as messy as my front room this morning when the Hurricane dumped his bucket of trains and books and assorted toys e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e.

So last night, my best friend and I had our montly-ish girl night and I drank about four too many glasses of iced tea at the ever awesome downtown brewery. Best cobb salad in the city. Way too much caffeine. She was catching me up on her adventures when she felt the need to use the disclaimer that although I am her best friend, I’m not THE best friend she’s ever had. Duh, right? So funny that she even felt the need to qualify having more than one best friend because 1. We are not in high school and 2. She’s not THE best friend I’ve ever had either, which I know she knows. I do love her to death though.

So hop, skip, a few dozen tangents and twenty-four hours later.. I miss my other best friends. I sincerely believe those are my soulmates. The really BIG, important, significant people who come into your life just before you really need them and usually leave when you hardly notice you don’t as much anymore. My high school best friend who knew both me and my ex-husband. I miss that drive across town, just to hang out in her room and talk about.. I can’t even remember. I know I wasn’t her best, best friend, but that’s okay. My college best friends. We used to have everything in common and now we’ve all gone in different directions, friendships fragmented by too much distance, too much time. I miss playing Wii, all cramped in a tiny dorm room. I miss late night trips to the Fishbowl, talking about laws of attraction, our classes, life after college and spending all of our spare change on vending machine hot chocolate. The late night to early morning chats on our LAN music sharing site about literally everything, everything.

I am not the same person who was their best friend, and tonight especially I wonder if they would recognize me at all, but I do miss them. I would love a day to catch up with each of them. To get a glimpse of how things turned out for them. To let them know that I cheer them on when they come to mind. And although I know circumstances will never be the same to make us active best friends again, these people will always have a place in my heart.

Such is the nature of soulmates.

Michelle

Not Who I Was

I have had song lyrics stuck in my head all day, but seeing as it is hardly ten in the morning, that isn’t a very long time. The song starts like this…”I wish you could see me now. I wish I could show you how, I’m not who I was.” I woke up with that song buzzing in my ears, as if my alarm was playing the tune, rather than some random alarm tone.

My mind is only capable of thinking in tangents today, and I don’t have a lot of time to make sure this is eloquently written, so I apologize if this post makes no sense. I also apologize that this post will likely interest no one but myself. My hope is that if I write this down, I can let it go.

I have an old friend on my mind. It’s been five years since we talked, but this song playing over and over in my mind reminds me of our friendship.

We met at the beginning of high school; had a few classes together that first semester, liked the same music, had fun hanging out after school and at FFA meetings together. We were friends all through high school until about this time of our Senior year. I didn’t know why at the time, but our friendship fell apart. It wasn’t like we had an argument or anything like that, she just started ignoring me. We still had classes together every morning and the same lunch hangout, so it was awkward. It wasn’t until summer was mostly over that she wrote me a message on Myspace apologizing for “killing our friendship.” She explained that she was hurt I was going off to college – the same college she had hoped to attend – and that her parents only supported her attending the local community college.

I don’t remember if I forgave her then, or thought that I had forgiven her. At the time I thought it was bullsh*t. My husband (and good friend at the time) also stayed in our home town and went to the same community college, but we were able to maintain our friendship.

Jealousy is an evil thing. It burned our friendship to the ground at a time I remember being terrified of leaving my home, at a time I needed her as my best friend.

I don’t know why this is all on my mind today, but I can’t help thinking maybe we really weren’t that great of friends after all. It’s all blurry memories of afternoons playing cards and listening to Switchfoot CDs on repeat, of FFA meetings and Guide Dog field trips. Was she also jealous my dogs passed and became working guide dogs and that hers failed? I guess it doesn’t matter now, but it hurts to have such mean thoughts and doubts about a person who made such a difference in my life during high school.

It’s also weird thinking we probably wouldn’t be friends now, even if jealousy hadn’t torn us apart. Just like that song says, I’m not who I was. I sometimes wish I could ask her how her life turned out since we went our separate ways, but I don’t think that’s for me to know. I still hope she is doing well, just as I do all my best friends that have faded away over the years. And I hope that doesn’t come across as creepy, I just care.. I don’t try to follow them into their lives after our friendship. My belief is too strong that God puts people in your life, the right people in your life, exactly when they need to be there, and for as long as they need to be there.

I don’t know why it matters, probably only thought of it because it seems my college best friend and I have less in common week after week. Is it time for moving on again, and who will make the call and pronounce our friendship dead this time?…