How to Deal

This week has been a long one. Last weekend feels like a lifetime away; I can’t even remember how I spent my time.. was my hubby even home? Hah. I can’t remember now.

I felt oddly peaceful all day today. I woke up exhausted, got dressed half-asleep, dropped the hubby off at work and said goodbye to him for thirty-six hours. It’s a duty day for him, as is every third day, so he has to spend the night on the boat. By the time I was almost home, I felt mostly awake, and so instead of rushing back to get laundry started and dishes put away, I took Graham down to the little rocky shoreline and watched the sun come up over the hills. It was so nice watching the colors dance on the water and listen to the tide as it went out. I had all 150 feet of shoreline to myself.

Felt crummy a little while after getting home. Hot and sleepy.. I think my body is fighting a bit of a cold. I tired Graham out with a game of ghetto-fetch [[which means I throw the toy and end up getting it myself half the time, and trying to convince him it’s not the same game as tug-o-war the other half]] put him in his kennel so I wouldn’t have to worry about him getting into trouble and climbed into bed. Slept like a rock for three hours and dreamt weird dreams that I can’t remember now.

My mind feels slow today, and I don’t mind that one bit. I feel two shots of tequila happy and calm but without the alcohol. Prayer has helped heal my heart from the bad news we received only four days ago. It is oddly comforting knowing this is all in God’s hands; that nothing I did or didn’t do would have, could have changed anything. I did the best I could by following my gut and having those tests run; and my mind doesn’t have to go crazy wondering if something is wrong anymore.

There’s an old saying about that.. that the truth will set you free. I suppose this is what free could feel like..

Baby Rant

I don’t know if I’ve written this post before. I feel like I may have, but I don’t feel like searching back through the archives to make sure I don’t restate the same things over again. If you’re reading this and it feels like deja vu, then it’s probably something you’ve heard me complain about before.

The hubby is at work today, all day (and night) so that leaves me alone wishing I had a friend to hang out with here. And more specifically, I wish I had a friend that understood how hard trying to conceive can be when it just isn’t happening.

I guess my chances would be higher if I were sixteen, in Vegas, in the back seat of some guy I met at a party’s car, drunk and “using” birth control.

Blah.

Seeing baby bump pictures on my newsfeed on Facebook from more than one friend certainly hasn’t helped much today either. Feeling defeated and broken and down about myself is not how I wanted to spend my Friday.

Too Much

I have too much to say; too much on my mind. It’s just about nine right now, and I have to be at  the Seattle-Tacoma airport at 11:30ish tonight to pick up my mom. I had mentioned before that she is staying with me for ten days to help me move and get settled into the house and those ten days start tonight, technically.

I still need the sheets to finish drying and make up the bed and put the dishes away that are drying on the dish rack. It’s funny, growing up my mom would always freak out when my grandma was coming to visit and I never understood why everything had to be super clean and organized. Obviously my grandma raised my mom, so she must have known my mom wasn’t that organized… but knowing that my mom was coming, I made sure both the house and apartment looked the best they could! It was like a compulsion.. And it was no easy task to accomplish because I’m basically living in two places.

Today was a hard day otherwise.. Logan is in Hawaii for the weekend and should be back in Washington very early in March. I foolishly expected him to text or call more than he seemed to want to and today just didn’t go how I expected. Sighs.. being a Navy wife is definitely taking some getting used to… and realizing that my husband WILL act different around different people and realizing that I don’t always like my husband. I think that’s the thing about marriage even more so than dating; not liking your significant other is not reason to run away. You have to work it out. And when the person you’re married to runs away, it hurts, because you’re left there alone, holding your relationship together.

Blah, blah, I don’t know. I’ve got my cup of coffee and Kitchen Nightmares on Hulu.com to keep me company for the next hour until I have to leave.

 

Sense of Style

I really have no idea what I’m doing, as far as decorating a house goes.. The kitchen/dining room was easy to “decorate”… put up some curtains for privacy, assemble chairs and dining table, place cute kitchenaid mixer on counter, put utensils in decorative cup from Target, done. The office was easy.. place the papisan chair  we already own in a corner, put a computer table and laptops nearby, put up curtains that block out the light in case we want to watch movies. My problem – and I use that word lightly – is that I fail at decorating bedrooms, and living rooms. So the dream design for half of my house is still blank in my mind!! That is, except for the picture frame wall project thing I am already working on.. Spent $35 on about 20 real wood frames, so that is cool. All set to spray paint them all black tomorrow, but that only takes care of one wall.

Such a stupid thing to complain about, I know.. but my life is all comforter sets, couches and curtains lately, so forgive me if that’s all I really have to talk about. This would not be such a big deal, if I weren’t such a perfectionist, as my little sister reminded me today on the phone. It was almost funny, I had forgotten that I do still get hung up on small things because everything has to “work” together, that the whole house has to flow and be, for the lack of a better term, perfect. Comforter sets in particular throw me off… I have never owned one, but it seems like the grown up thing to have, but it is hard knowing what will match the bedroom set we want. And I would prefer my feather blanket over any fake fluff filled, swirly lined comforter any day. I don’t know. It’s late and I’m waiting for my hair to dry a little bit before I go to sleep so my pillow doesn’t get all wet and gross.

Hoping a good night’s rest brings some clarity to this all.. but in any case, I’ll be back over at the house in the morning while the ADT guy tells me how much security we’re going to need in dollars and cents.

Happy Valentine’s Day, by the way, in case I don’t have a chance to post tomorrow. In high school and college I always took a sharpie and wrote “Love” on my arm/hand a la, http://www.twloha.com/. I hope whoever you are reading this, that you know you are not alone and you are loved, I promise, if only by me. :]

Love is the movement, people.