Dis.Couraged

I wish it were easier to tell what in the world God wanted me to do with my life.

I wish my faith were stronger.

I wish writing that didn’t make my eyes well up with tears.

I wish I had a better idea what I am working towards.

Why I’m here.

What difference, if any, I’ll make.

I hate that I so often still feel like no one to everyone.

Invisible.

Unimportant.

I hate that my husband came home and instead of giving me a hug, criticized the lunch I sent with him overnight.

Because I really needed that hug for no reason.

And I hate myself for it.

Because I know I used to be so much stronger than I am now.

Confidence stripped away by a series of unfortunate events that’s led me to question.

Everything.

And everything I thought I was, and thought I knew…

It’s all gone.

 

Melodramatic

It’s been a hard week so far. I have so many posts that I need to write but I haven’t really had the mental capacity to sit down and say anything that would make sense.

Pregnancy insomnia has hit, full force. Had trouble sleeping all weekend. Then, was only able to get about four hours of sleep on Sunday night and had a very full day on Monday. Bed time on Monday rolled around and it didn’t surprise me much when eleven rolled around and I was still pretty awake…and then midnight.. and then one in the morning. Much the same happened last night, and I’m definitely feeling sleep-deprived.

So I can’t seem to sleep, not even for naps, and that does nothing to help with these pregnancy hormones and emotions. I feel like a hot mess, minus the part about being hot!

Today there was a whole mess of drama at the hospital. I really don’t want to go through all of it again, but I spent way too long there trying to get blood work done to confirm that my blood type is indeed A-, despite already having had the rhogam shot for negative blood types this pregnancy. Couldn’t even get the flu shot or pertussis vaccine like I had intended, and the pharmacy lost my prenatal prescription for the second time in a week.

If that weren’t enough of a mess, on the way home I honestly hit every.single.red.light in an eight mile span. I don’t know how many there were, but I do know that I burst into tears at the second to last one because people were rushing to get nowhere and then slamming on their breaks and basically driving like idiots. And really, how bad of luck must I have, to have to stop at every single one?? If crying at a red light isn’t a pregnancy break-down, I don’t know what is…

Fast forward to tonight, where as soon as I thought I could relax, one of my mommy groups had a bout of insane drama erupt. I guess it only makes sense if you put a few dozen women that are just as pregnant as me into a small confined forum. Mean things were being said and I burst into tears for the second time today; really because I miss my husband but also because it’s been such a long day… And it is with that being said, I am logging off the social part of the internet for the night, and going to go watch Chopped on Hulu, eat some dinner and go to bed. At any rate, tomorrow should be a better day.

..and I need a new signature to go with this blog scheme.. will be writing about that later!

Over Thought

I’m in a talking mood today, and unfortunately for you, I currently live alone and my baby boy is asleep, so I figure writing would be a fine substitution…. Some nights I don’t sleep well because there are too many thoughts swirling around in my mind. It’s almost as if the processing that’s supposed to be done by your subconscious when you sleep, begins too soon, and I am well aware of it’s work. Last night was one of those nights. I can’t remember exactly what my mind chatter was all about. It was too much like standing in one spot on the platform of a busy train station. Too  many thoughts coming and going; hitching rides together and disappearing before I had a chance to grasp what they were all about. I was just aware of the constant motion, the disorderly organization of it all.

I think I over think things. I have always been this way though, for as long as I can remember, and as far as I know, it’s not intentional. I wrote a post a while ago about being stuck in the past, or looking back too often… I believe that is because I spend too much time in my head. I’m not the cerebral type at all. Don’t confuse me with someone who doesn’t have or choose to respond to their feelings. I think this blog alone paints a pretty accurate picture of that.

I just like to mull things over. To take a thought or idea and write it down on binder paper, old school style. To tear it apart into it’s smallest components and wonder why it is the way it is. I wonder why people are the way they are – and it must be the things they think but don’t dare say, much of who I am is what is written on these pages… the thoughts I could never just say aloud. I could sit here and wonder how I got here for hours. Especially because this isn’t where I thought I would be a year ago.. no where near who I thought I would be at the beginning of college.

It makes me wonder how much God is involved on a daily basis. I was saved when I was thirteen, but spent much of my teen years off doing my own thing. Now that I am back to praying daily, what affect does He have exactly? What would my life be like if I couldn’t believe, if there weren’t that calling in my heart? Why did I need to believe when the rest of my family doesn’t?

Why me.. I spend my free time meditating and reflecting and I think it makes me a better person, but that’s not to say someone who never takes a second to analyze their life is wrong. I wonder what it would be like to live that way for a week. I wonder if I would be any different.

I have friends that think my life is over because I’m this old, married and with a baby on the way. What they don’t know, is that I want to tell them that they are too afraid to start living. The social, party scene was never my thing.  It’s like a rut I see them get caught in. Work or school all week, Friday hits (TGIF by the way) and it’s once again time to pre-game for a weekend spent drinking and hanging out with other people who are stuck in the same way you are. People who are on the same “train” as you.

I feel like in many ways the decision to get married wasn’t mine to make. It was the path I inherently knew was mine to take. And I do take ownership for standing there, repeating vows that I didn’t remember but a second later. I was in the moment but out of it. It was life changing. It was one of those decisions that forces you to move away from who you were. Having a baby will be the same. It’s no wonder my friends think I’ve reached the end of all the good times in my life.. they can’t see the grass is still green on the other side from where they are standing. They can’t possibly know.

And so there you have it. A peak into what my mind is like the morning after a night of little rest. Tonight I hope to fall asleep and just sleep, but with a baby boy bouncing around all night, it’s highly unlikely that will happen. I almost don’t want to post this publicly.. because who really wants to read this? But it is my blog for saying the things I can’t say out loud; for writing the things I don’t think anyone would care to read. Let’s be honest, most days my page gets two hits, and one is probably me, signing in. I’m ok with that.

Whining About Nothing

I have been to the Emergency Room twice for bleeding.. and had a total of three early ultrasounds so far. The first showed a grey blob, the second showed a grey blob with a heartbeat and the third, back on April 28th during my second visit to the ER showed a slightly larger blob with a heartbeat that we heard for about five seconds. I was supposed to have a follow up ultrasound to check for the source of the bleeding and spotting with my OB at my nurse’s screen appointment but when I went to that appointment they told me to “trust my doctor” and that they couldn’t do anything for me. Not exactly what I was expecting.

My dating ultrasound has been coming up fast; and it was supposed to be next Wednesday, my hubby’s birthday. He asked for the day off so that he could be there to see a baby (not just a blob – no offense to anyone that finds that offensive and no offense to the baby). I was really looking forward to seeing what he/she would look like at ten weeks. I was looking forward to seeing everything was OK before our trip to California that weekend… before I tell all my extended family. But after a call to the nurse’s line to report more spotting over the weekend, my ultrasound has been moved up to tomorrow.

Gah!! And the nurse said they had no intention of doing an ultrasound at my appointment next week anyway and that my follow up from my first ER visit at six weeks would suffice as a dating ultrasound. Lied to again!! If I had a choice about my OB care, I would change hospitals! But seeing as it is THE Military Hospital, I have to go there.

I know I am probably  just annoyed by this all because I’m overly emotional.. but still. Lied to, told to trust my doctors and not getting what I want = not a very happy me! I know, I know, I sound like a spoiled brat but I’m honestly just scared and worried.

*SIGHS* (This is a side note for an old friend :: SATELLITE!!!!!)

Anyway, expect at least one more post today. Promise I’ll be in a better mood when I write that one..