I wish it were easier to tell what in the world God wanted me to do with my life.
I wish my faith were stronger.
I wish writing that didn’t make my eyes well up with tears.
I wish I had a better idea what I am working towards.
Why I’m here.
What difference, if any, I’ll make.
I hate that I so often still feel like no one to everyone.
I hate that my husband came home and instead of giving me a hug, criticized the lunch I sent with him overnight.
Because I really needed that hug for no reason.
And I hate myself for it.
Because I know I used to be so much stronger than I am now.
Confidence stripped away by a series of unfortunate events that’s led me to question.
And everything I thought I was, and thought I knew…
It’s all gone.
I have gone back and forth on whether I was going to post about today about a dozen times this morning…but I think I am ready to start being more open about this. It is cycle day one, and for those not familiar with the terminology, means I am not pregnant because my period just started. Probably too much information for some people, I know, but get ready for a whole lot more of it because month nine of trying to conceive our first has just started.
Last month, cycle number eight was a bust, because Logan was out of town the entire month, so this visit from AF (“Aunt Flo” aka period) was totally expected. I think having no hope that last cycle might lead to positive pregnancy test was exactly what I needed. After months and months of negative tests I was starting to feel really defeated, but no more of that. I know some day I will be a mother, some how, and right now I just need to have faith that it will happen exactly when God wants it to happen.
I wasn’t sure I was up for trying this month. But after not charting last cycle and not knowing when to expect my period, I realized that I like knowing what is going on with my body. So I will be using my clear blue easy fertility monitor to track my cycle this month and I will obviously be “baby dancing” with my husband because we are newlyweds after all and if that leads to a positive pregnancy test in a month, I will be thrilled. And if not, well then, maybe next month..
Positive outlook only.