I did not walk at my college graduation. Had to move out of my suite, did not feel like waiting for Sunday morning to come around just to walk all over campus in muggy, 100 degree weather. I was so burned out, finishing up a 23 unit quarter.. Besides, I had just made all of my family visit for my wedding six weeks prior. I didn’t think anyone would come, and my best friends weren’t graduating with me.
It’s something I have let go, for the most part. I am not the same person now that I was then. The idea of having all those eyes on me, what to wear, who would show up at 10am on Sunday, what if no one did… Those thoughts were overwhelming, so I pushed forward.
I rushed home, so I could rush to South Carolina to be with my then-husband. Four years later…I wish I had customized the top of my cap. Wish I had a photo of my best friend and me, because me leaving changed everything. I see the photos posted from my college every commencement and I wish I had stayed. I skipped out on one of the most quintessential college experiences, in my opinion.
You could say this post was inspired by a parallel debate in my mind. The boyfriend and I are talking big things, shiny rings and our future together. I have a tendency – I am learning of myself – to feel anxious, bored, overwhelmed and rush to the next thing. To just move to the next step, next stage in life, whether I am ready or not. It’s part spontaneity, part chaos.
My license is done. Got it. Finally. And now it’s time to tackle the next big thing, one chunk at a time. I think I’m ready this time. I know this probably sounds like a bunch of incoherent rambling to some, but that’s a peek into the mind of this mom/vet tech/fitness fanatic. I’ve got at least a dozen windows open and I am running on toilet sore legs, too little sleep, not enough water, and I still need to go grocery shopping tonight so I can go to the gym first thing tomorrow..
Let’s do this,
Tonight I kicked my own butt at the gym, which is a thousand times better than having it kicked by life. Did my cardio warm up on the moon bouncer (aka adaptive motion trainer) and built a little circuit for myself in the empty group fitness room. It’s so nice getting lost in the challenge and repetition of a good circuit workout. I have lost a lot of time on my plank, down to about half of my best at the end of last summer, but that small let down didn’t stop me from giving it all that I had. Any plank is better than no plank at all. Any plan is better than no plan at all. I may not be exactly where or exactly who I thought I would be today, but I am doing the best I can. It is enough because I say it is.
Feeling good, feeling great. So much better than a couple days ago. I can’t change everything in one day but I can start here. I so wish I could find my personal trainer from college. That fitness attitude was the best gift I could have been given. God knows the scale and the mirror have had a million different things to say the past couple of years but a positive attitude has eventually, always prevailed.
Love and a LOT of glitter,
I’m on a few Facebook groups…and by a few, I mean a lot. My favorite lately has been the Stennis fitness support group that I joined to maintain my weight the rest of this pregnancy. Most of the women there are trying to get super fit and sexy for their husbands while they are away, and I admire them for that. I would be doing the same if I didn’t have two pounds of baby growing in my belly. But that doesn’t mean I’m taking the all too common free pregnancy pass to eat whatever I want, whenever I want it. I definitely have no plans on gaining more than 25 pounds, and I don’t want the weight I do gain to be from birthday cake ice cream. (although between you and me, the best brand here is seasonal and they stopped carrying it months ago..)
The group moderator tries to post a motivational quote a day and yesterday it was this :: “You’re never beaten until you admit it. ” ~George S. Patton
Now I am sure, in its original context, this quote had absolutely nothing to do with fitness and weight loss, but I love it for that purpose. It’s very easy to feel defeated by the scale during pregnancy. We are told to watch our weight at the very least on a bi-monthly basis, but seeing the numbers slowly creep up can be disheartening. The logic of growing a baby and taking on their weight in addition to yours doesn’t matter when you’re standing there half naked, looking past an ever growing belly to a number higher than you’ve ever seen; or in my case, higher than I’ve seen in years and years.
And that is why this quote is so awesome! The doctor sees my weight and doesn’t blink an eye; it’s within “standard limitations,” nothing too crazy. But I feel programmed to see it as a failure, like the pounds are winning. I think it’s time to re-train my mind that I’m never beaten until I admit it. I saw the scale go up a pound last week, but I’m still working out. I foolishly tried on my pre-pregnancy jeans and could barely squeeze them up past my thighs, but I don’t have a “to heck with it attitude,” eating junk food around the clock. I’m still trying to be active. I’m still trying and therefore I haven’t lost the battle yet.
Some mothers to be don’t care at all about their weight during pregnancy. A few are the lucky ones that just naturally gain fifteen pounds, and lose twenty in the hospital after having their baby. And there are some that just get super freaking chubby and have thirty to fifty pounds to lose post baby. I’m not saying any way is more right than the other.. really, I’m just happy to be motivated to hit the gym a few times a week again; and to know in this case, the simple act of trying is good enough.
Working out will always be a part of my life. Either something I am doing on a regular basis, or something I am thinking about doing and feeling mildly guilty because I’m not. In any case, it is on my mind. Maintenance is the hardest part of weight loss.. and often times it’s nothing more than a myth. Maintaining weight loss is just another part of life.
I need to find a gym. I have a gym, technically… free membership at the always-busy, male-overloaded base gym. I can get a decent work out there, but it doesn’t feel like my place. I always feel like I’m running away from it when I leave, and to me, the gym should be a place I run to. I don’t know… I just feel like I don’t really fit in there when I’m often the only female in the place not working behind the check in counter. And with every piece of weight lifting equipment bogged down by stinky Navy dudes, I hardly ever get any weights done. Continuing to work out there, is turning me into a slightly smaller, but flabby mess, and that’s not my idea of fitness.
The thing is, now we have a puppy and I can’t just leave him locked in his kennel for hours of the day at a time. That fact actually supports the idea of me finding a new gym – one that is closer and possibly less busy during the times I have to work out.
Seems silly, but I need to pray about it. I’m stuck at a higher than “normal” weight for me and I’m beginning to resent my body. I want to feel good about myself. I will never be perfect, but I miss feeling strong and confident.