Awkward.

My whole life, I have struggled with feeling like I don’t exactly fit in. Was always too tall or too fat or too quiet. I always thought it was because there is something inherently wrong with me, but the older I get, the more clear it is that I’m just…. awkward.

Being the tallest kid in elementary school was awkward.

Being the fat kid in middle school and most of high school was awkward.

Being too shy to put myself out there has always made meeting new people awkward.

I am awkward. As an adult now – without college classes, football games or study sessions as an excuse – I don’t really know how to arrange “hang outs” with friends. I don’t know what they might be up to, don’t want to get in their way, and being turned down makes me feel like I shouldn’t have even brought it up in the first place. I guess I just don’t feel like I’m important enough for someone to want to spend time with me. Brings up a lifetime of self-esteem issues that I really don’t care to dive into at this point.

It would make it easy though, if I could just refer all my friends old and new to this post. That way they know I want to be social, I just don’t know how. It’s like I missed that class in third grade where they taught us the art of fitting in, where they brought out the social butterfly in each one of us, and showed us how to be less… awkward.

The Looking Back

I’d be surprised to know anyone was actually following my blog anymore. Hasn’t really been much of a smash hit lately, has it? I would apologize for that, but I would honestly rather say nothing for weeks on end, than talk about nothing of any importance to me day after day.

I think I’m back now, no guarantees, no promises… I’m working on a big project that I’ll reveal in a few weeks but for now, just looking for a place to write, and that is what blogs are for. I recently added a few online friends to my Facebook account. I had met these lovely ladies on The Mommy Playbook¬†quite a few months ago when Logan and I started trying to conceive. It’s a great site, with free membership and a wonderful sense of community once you’ve been around for a month or two. Before joining, I never really believed you could make “online friends”.. but I like to believe these are the type of women I would want to hang out with, if they lived anywhere close to me. None of them do, but we all find ourselves going through the same thing.

Anyway, added them to my Facebook account and took a look at my profile through their eyes. I have a zillion profile pics from over the years. Okay, only sixty-six, but still, they date back to 11/7/07. Looking through them all, it’s like a mini-review of the last five years of my life. And for the first time, I didn’t mind looking back.

Limitless and Immeasurable

Before starting this blog, I had forgotten how much I like writing just to write. It’s like talking just to hear your own voice, except these words are rarely spoken aloud unless I am proofreading. I kept journals all through high school and college for the same reason. It’s not that I think what I have to say is particularly important or needs to be shared, but that I like blabbing about things; about anything really.

Seeing what I think and feel, or rather articulating what I think and feel, helps me understand myself and where I am coming from. It helps close some of the windows that keep popping up in my life. To get that, you probably have to have heard the analogy of our brains being just like computers. For the most part, men can just “X” out of windows whenever they like. When they are done thinking about something they close the window and they move on. Women, on the other hand, can only usually minimize the window and like an overloaded computer, the windows sometimes pop back up or become frozen and thus demand attention. I find this analogy works very well for me, and most people I know. You may find yourself to be different, and should probably consider yourself lucky.

Lately, a particular phrase keeps popping up in my  mind. Actually, its more of a quote type thing that I thought while driving to pick Logan up from work one day, and quickly wrote in a note on my phone.

“Overwhelmed by the thought that adult life is often limitless and immeasurable.”

Have you ever felt that way? ………. The more I think about it, the more true it becomes and the better it represents my attitude towards life at the current time. As kids, there was always school; homework, papers to be written, assignments to be done. When we accomplished those small goals, they amounted to moving on to the next grade, the next school, the next step. But after college, and besides intra-work promotions, what kind of grading system is there? For someone like me, who thrives under stress and structure, where can I find that sort of motivation? There doesn’t seem to be any.

Being an adult is at it’s core, limitless. I could do whatever I want – and of course there are those things that I should do, like get a job; and there are those things that I could do, like have a baby; and then there are those things that I have already done, such as buy a house and get a puppy. But there is no one to say what I have to do anymore, except for me, except for maybe standards and guidelines set forth by God and my peers, but really those are all up to my interpretation anyway.

And how do measure the accomplishments of adulthood anyway? You don’t get a fancy certificate saying “Congratulations, you bought a house!”…or anything of that sort. Where is my Life tile that rewards me with $200,000 when I retire because I graduated from college. Why can’t having kids be as simple as picking a card from a deck and finding out we’re having twin boys? It’s weird and probably only something I take time to consider, but who is to say how I should or could better spend this sunny afternoon, where I have a bit of headache and a mind full of thoughts? There is no one.

Peace, love and happy wondering wherever you are, from me,