A Revelation

I had a revelation this morning. I was sitting at the kitchen table, encouraging a friend to go on a trip she had been planning for weeks, despite her husband now saying he does not want to visit her family. I reminded her to feel empowered because she had made these plans. I mentioned that it’s the things we don’t do that we regret, rarely we regret the things we do.

I don’t regret getting married.

It was about midnight last night and I was lying there awake, eyes closed, trying to pinpoint exactly where things went wrong. I would get in over my head with wondering and force myself to open my eyes and look at the light from the smoke detector, or the light from the moon peeking through the curtains…anything to erase the questions. Where exactly did things go wrong? Would early counseling have helped? Was that why he was so stiff and uncomfortable acting at our wedding? Why did I go through with it? Why didn’t I see all the signs I see now, pointing to our relationship failing?

Don’t get me wrong, my life would have been easier had I never married him. I’m sure I would have found a job, an apartment, graduated college just the same.. But I can’t say my life would have been better. If I had never married him, I wouldn’t have met my friends in South Carolina, wouldn’t have the experience of driving across the country, of establishing a household. Most important of all, I wouldn’t have my son. All the memories that I made, for myself; all of those things I did that I don’t regret, were made possible by marrying him. And now, everything in my future, the single-divorced-working-dating-mom thing…

I don’t regret the marriage. I don’t regret the beautiful, incredible child we made, and I don’t regret knowing and acting on the fact that I deserve better. I deserve great love, not a game of house.

Limitless and Immeasurable

Before starting this blog, I had forgotten how much I like writing just to write. It’s like talking just to hear your own voice, except these words are rarely spoken aloud unless I am proofreading. I kept journals all through high school and college for the same reason. It’s not that I think what I have to say is particularly important or needs to be shared, but that I like blabbing about things; about anything really.

Seeing what I think and feel, or rather articulating what I think and feel, helps me understand myself and where I am coming from. It helps close some of the windows that keep popping up in my life. To get that, you probably have to have heard the analogy of our brains being just like computers. For the most part, men can just “X” out of windows whenever they like. When they are done thinking about something they close the window and they move on. Women, on the other hand, can only usually minimize the window and like an overloaded computer, the windows sometimes pop back up or become frozen and thus demand attention. I find this analogy works very well for me, and most people I know. You may find yourself to be different, and should probably consider yourself lucky.

Lately, a particular phrase keeps popping up in my  mind. Actually, its more of a quote type thing that I thought while driving to pick Logan up from work one day, and quickly wrote in a note on my phone.

“Overwhelmed by the thought that adult life is often limitless and immeasurable.”

Have you ever felt that way? ………. The more I think about it, the more true it becomes and the better it represents my attitude towards life at the current time. As kids, there was always school; homework, papers to be written, assignments to be done. When we accomplished those small goals, they amounted to moving on to the next grade, the next school, the next step. But after college, and besides intra-work promotions, what kind of grading system is there? For someone like me, who thrives under stress and structure, where can I find that sort of motivation? There doesn’t seem to be any.

Being an adult is at it’s core, limitless. I could do whatever I want – and of course there are those things that I should do, like get a job; and there are those things that I could do, like have a baby; and then there are those things that I have already done, such as buy a house and get a puppy. But there is no one to say what I have to do anymore, except for me, except for maybe standards and guidelines set forth by God and my peers, but really those are all up to my interpretation anyway.

And how do measure the accomplishments of adulthood anyway? You don’t get a fancy certificate saying “Congratulations, you bought a house!”…or anything of that sort. Where is my Life tile that rewards me with $200,000 when I retire because I graduated from college. Why can’t having kids be as simple as picking a card from a deck and finding out we’re having twin boys? It’s weird and probably only something I take time to consider, but who is to say how I should or could better spend this sunny afternoon, where I have a bit of headache and a mind full of thoughts? There is no one.

Peace, love and happy wondering wherever you are, from me,