Limitless and Immeasurable

Before starting this blog, I had forgotten how much I like writing just to write. It’s like talking just to hear your own voice, except these words are rarely spoken aloud unless I am proofreading. I kept journals all through high school and college for the same reason. It’s not that I think what I have to say is particularly important or needs to be shared, but that I like blabbing about things; about anything really.

Seeing what I think and feel, or rather articulating what I think and feel, helps me understand myself and where I am coming from. It helps close some of the windows that keep popping up in my life. To get that, you probably have to have heard the analogy of our brains being just like computers. For the most part, men can just “X” out of windows whenever they like. When they are done thinking about something they close the window and they move on. Women, on the other hand, can only usually minimize the window and like an overloaded computer, the windows sometimes pop back up or become frozen and thus demand attention. I find this analogy works very well for me, and most people I know. You may find yourself to be different, and should probably consider yourself lucky.

Lately, a particular phrase keeps popping up in my  mind. Actually, its more of a quote type thing that I thought while driving to pick Logan up from work one day, and quickly wrote in a note on my phone.

“Overwhelmed by the thought that adult life is often limitless and immeasurable.”

Have you ever felt that way? ………. The more I think about it, the more true it becomes and the better it represents my attitude towards life at the current time. As kids, there was always school; homework, papers to be written, assignments to be done. When we accomplished those small goals, they amounted to moving on to the next grade, the next school, the next step. But after college, and besides intra-work promotions, what kind of grading system is there? For someone like me, who thrives under stress and structure, where can I find that sort of motivation? There doesn’t seem to be any.

Being an adult is at it’s core, limitless. I could do whatever I want – and of course there are those things that I should do, like get a job; and there are those things that I could do, like have a baby; and then there are those things that I have already done, such as buy a house and get a puppy. But there is no one to say what I have to do anymore, except for me, except for maybe standards and guidelines set forth by God and my peers, but really those are all up to my interpretation anyway.

And how do measure the accomplishments of adulthood anyway? You don’t get a fancy certificate saying “Congratulations, you bought a house!”…or anything of that sort. Where is my Life tile that rewards me with $200,000 when I retire because I graduated from college. Why can’t having kids be as simple as picking a card from a deck and finding out we’re having twin boys? It’s weird and probably only something I take time to consider, but who is to say how I should or could better spend this sunny afternoon, where I have a bit of headache and a mind full of thoughts? There is no one.

Peace, love and happy wondering wherever you are, from me,

Sense of Style

I really have no idea what I’m doing, as far as decorating a house goes.. The kitchen/dining room was easy to “decorate”… put up some curtains for privacy, assemble chairs and dining table, place cute kitchenaid mixer on counter, put utensils in decorative cup from Target, done. The office was easy.. place the papisan chair  we already own in a corner, put a computer table and laptops nearby, put up curtains that block out the light in case we want to watch movies. My problem – and I use that word lightly – is that I fail at decorating bedrooms, and living rooms. So the dream design for half of my house is still blank in my mind!! That is, except for the picture frame wall project thing I am already working on.. Spent $35 on about 20 real wood frames, so that is cool. All set to spray paint them all black tomorrow, but that only takes care of one wall.

Such a stupid thing to complain about, I know.. but my life is all comforter sets, couches and curtains lately, so forgive me if that’s all I really have to talk about. This would not be such a big deal, if I weren’t such a perfectionist, as my little sister reminded me today on the phone. It was almost funny, I had forgotten that I do still get hung up on small things because everything has to “work” together, that the whole house has to flow and be, for the lack of a better term, perfect. Comforter sets in particular throw me off… I have never owned one, but it seems like the grown up thing to have, but it is hard knowing what will match the bedroom set we want. And I would prefer my feather blanket over any fake fluff filled, swirly lined comforter any day. I don’t know. It’s late and I’m waiting for my hair to dry a little bit before I go to sleep so my pillow doesn’t get all wet and gross.

Hoping a good night’s rest brings some clarity to this all.. but in any case, I’ll be back over at the house in the morning while the ADT guy tells me how much security we’re going to need in dollars and cents.

Happy Valentine’s Day, by the way, in case I don’t have a chance to post tomorrow. In high school and college I always took a sharpie and wrote “Love” on my arm/hand a la, http://www.twloha.com/. I hope whoever you are reading this, that you know you are not alone and you are loved, I promise, if only by me. :]

Love is the movement, people.