Awkward.

My whole life, I have struggled with feeling like I don’t exactly fit in. Was always too tall or too fat or too quiet. I always thought it was because there is something inherently wrong with me, but the older I get, the more clear it is that I’m just…. awkward.

Being the tallest kid in elementary school was awkward.

Being the fat kid in middle school and most of high school was awkward.

Being too shy to put myself out there has always made meeting new people awkward.

I am awkward. As an adult now – without college classes, football games or study sessions as an excuse – I don’t really know how to arrange “hang outs” with friends. I don’t know what they might be up to, don’t want to get in their way, and being turned down makes me feel like I shouldn’t have even brought it up in the first place. I guess I just don’t feel like I’m important enough for someone to want to spend time with me. Brings up a lifetime of self-esteem issues that I really don’t care to dive into at this point.

It would make it easy though, if I could just refer all my friends old and new to this post. That way they know I want to be social, I just don’t know how. It’s like I missed that class in third grade where they taught us the art of fitting in, where they brought out the social butterfly in each one of us, and showed us how to be less… awkward.