Three Hundred and Thirty-Three Days

I haven’t written in ages, and surprisingly this half-life blog still gets views on a daily basis. How? Who are you?… I suppose if I have to ask, I’ll never know.

Seems I only post to write vague updates and this will be no great exception. I don’t even bother saying I’ll try to write more anymore because it’s just not true..  If you follow me on Instagram @Finity113, or my private trying to conceive account, @ttc.rainbow.roe most of this will be old news, but for those of you who don’t already know me over there, let’s jump right in.

  • We moved back to our home town. I wasn’t sold on the idea but we had been considering buying a house since this time last year and as soon as we walked in the door here, we knew it was ours. I have five words to accurately sum up my first impression: Craft room. Built in bookshelves. Sold! Plus living in the same town as all of my husband’s family is nice, considering all of mine now live 3 hours or three days plus away by car.
  • So we bought the house and it’s been about three months and it’s crazy. Double the space of our apartment, complete with a garage, back and front yard.. You know, all the standard things. My dad and uncle both told me that wherever you stand, you’ll see something that either needs repairing, improving or replaced and it is so true.
  • We planted a garden. It’s been a huge learning experience. Perhaps a 30′ by 20′ garden was unrealistic for our first year here but it’s nice, aside from all the weeds. Someone in my online gardening group told me to expect to spend an hour out there weeding daily. Um.. what?
  • We got a puppy! She’s a six month old, lab/husky mix and her name is Tippy. If you think that is a stupid name, don’t look at me because I did not pick it out. But I did pick her out at the shelter and aside from treating ringworm for an entire effing month it’s been great. And nobody else in the household caught it from her so that felt a little like winning.
  • We were diagnosed with secondary infertility. Well… I guess I was. I am all of twenty-eight years old and taking hormone replacement therapy because my “pituitary essentially stopped talking to my ovaries” after our losses last year. My doctor’s words, not mine. Neither of my two fertility doctors has said the term pre-menopausal, but isn’t that exactly what’s going on? No? All I know is that the hormones help with everything from my anxiety to PMS to weight gain..
  • Also found out the husband and I both have the homozygous C677T MTHFR mutation, which is pretty much the worst of those mutations to have. It almost guarantees any baby we have will be homozygous at well, which puts a fetus at increased risk of death, which is pretty much the cherry on top of a craptastic year as far as pregnancy and loss goes.
  • Speaking of which, it’s been 333 days since before we experienced the loss of our girl, “Firefly” at 13 weeks. And everything’s changed. So.. coming up on the one year anniversary of her death and I am half waiting for the meltdown and half hoping that I have healed enough that there won’t be one. I am channeling that energy into a local pregnancy loss ministry. I’m actually a board member, fancy that! I’ve been thinking of giving all of our lost babies proper names and will need to sit down with DH and do that, if only just for us and them.
  • And perhaps the last big update for now, not only am I a stay at home mom again, (which doesn’t sound nearly as cool when your only kid is four..) but will also be homeschooling said kid. *gasp* I know, right?

Soo… Yeah. That’s about everything I’ve got to say right now. Thanks for reading, stranger.

As Always Before,

Michelle

One Year!

The boyfriend and I have been together, officially, for a year now. One year! Does not sound like very long at all, in the grand scheme of things. Especially given my tendency to wander back into the past. But here we are… And yes we are cute. :)

 

If you follow me on Instagram (@finity113) then you have probably seen most of these photos before. If not, take a sneak peak into our random life together. We like being active and silly and marveling at how adorable the hurricane is and cat pictures and cake. 

I have a happy heart, a full love tank. This man is my zen, my other half. He helped to pull me out from a dark period of my life… Continues to help my heart heal from old wounds. It takes a strong man to be there when your girlfriend cries about another guy and an even greater one to step up and be a great dad to the hurricane.  And that’s not mentioning how welcoming and loving his family has been to us as well. I’m looking forward to the next year. To the surprises and amazing things to come. To more lasagna and salad at your moms house. To weekend trips to visit my family while we are all still close enough. To once a month date nights. To walks to nowhere and everywhere together. To silly little traditions we are making now, that will mean so much in the future. Glass half full of water *cheers* to us, one year in to our lifetime of adventure.  

Happy one year, my love. 

As always before,

Michelle 

Gift Ninja

I got the chance to help out a random momma tonight and it feels awesome. Random acts of kindness always make me feel a bit like a gift ninja. I’m cool with that. I have been doing my best to not only keep my head above water lately, but to enjoy life. Focus on the positive, choose to see the good, it’s all one hundred happy days up in here. Literally.

It’s a game, almost. Focus on the happy, and note/ignore my subconscious ever so subtly reminding me of the events occurring around this time, exactly a year ago. Yesterday would have been our third anniversary.. right? I am just kidding, no surprise there. But it was not. It was just like any other Tuesday, except with a lot more lost and/or abandoned puppies and kittens showing up at work. (Sidebar: It’s kitten and puppy season. Adopt don’t shop. Spay and neuter your pets!) But I’m okay. I feel okay. And I am honest enough to type that without worrying that my nose will grow overnight.

I’ve been talking to someone who goes to my church and it’s fresh, and it’s new. A different perspective, an outside point of view to the whole experience of moving home and starting over. To feeling like you’re starting over well after you thought you would have your life figured out.

Anyway. Rambling because it is well past my bedtime. 5am comes far too early for this night owl.

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