Or for Worse

I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband),
to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse,
for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish; from this day forward
until death do us part.

I can easily recall sitting on my bed, in the dark, mid-panic attack. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, felt like I was going to be sick and I asked God, should I stay and fight for our marriage, or accept that it was over long ago? It was the night he walked out on us, and could have gone either way at that point. (Marriage isn’t just a contract, it’s a promise, a covenant. Don’t think I don’t know that, just because I’m getting divorced.)¬†With the knowledge that I had that night, I was willing to try anything to make it work. Trial separation, counseling, compromise. Less than half an hour after praying, my soon to be (now) ex-husband called, black out drunk, and detailed all the ways in which we were so over. [Thank you God, for such a clear answer.]

But did he think I would stay? Did he think he could admit to violating the sanctity of our marriage on several accounts and expect me to stay?

You know, that whole “for better or for worse” part of our vows? … I don’t think so. It’s a fine line of what I can say, and what I’m not supposed to say about him/against him but… I think he got exactly what he wanted. The life he always wanted, sort of.

And I think some day I will look back on nights like tonight, when my mind is fervently sorting through this mess and realize all this processing was necessary to move on. When my mind is searching for answers, for closure, I remind myself, not all baggage goes with you when you move on. It’s not all important.

Some of it isn’t important at all.

Memories of Bootcamp

While busy with other things, my phone received two calls from “unknown” just now. My heart just sinks a little – and by “a little,” meaning that it’s fallen out my chest and onto the floor, thinking that it was probably my husband calling from the ship.

There is nothing quite like missing a call.. Deployments suck. Long distance sucks. Having a marriage relegated to email and the occasional, once a month if you’re lucky, phone call sucks. Not being able to call back, sucks.

Forgive me for my lack of eloquence but we’re close to hitting the one month away point and it’s really sinking in that there’s at least seven more to go.



But the good news is, he called back. So for at least today, he doesn’t feel like he’s on the opposite side of the world.