Three Hundred and Thirty-Three Days

I haven’t written in ages, and surprisingly this half-life blog still gets views on a daily basis. How? Who are you?… I suppose if I have to ask, I’ll never know.

Seems I only post to write vague updates and this will be no great exception. I don’t even bother saying I’ll try to write more anymore because it’s just not true..  If you follow me on Instagram @Finity113, or my private trying to conceive account, @ttc.rainbow.roe most of this will be old news, but for those of you who don’t already know me over there, let’s jump right in.

  • We moved back to our home town. I wasn’t sold on the idea but we had been considering buying a house since this time last year and as soon as we walked in the door here, we knew it was ours. I have five words to accurately sum up my first impression: Craft room. Built in bookshelves. Sold! Plus living in the same town as all of my husband’s family is nice, considering all of mine now live 3 hours or three days plus away by car.
  • So we bought the house and it’s been about three months and it’s crazy. Double the space of our apartment, complete with a garage, back and front yard.. You know, all the standard things. My dad and uncle both told me that wherever you stand, you’ll see something that either needs repairing, improving or replaced and it is so true.
  • We planted a garden. It’s been a huge learning experience. Perhaps a 30′ by 20′ garden was unrealistic for our first year here but it’s nice, aside from all the weeds. Someone in my online gardening group told me to expect to spend an hour out there weeding daily. Um.. what?
  • We got a puppy! She’s a six month old, lab/husky mix and her name is Tippy. If you think that is a stupid name, don’t look at me because I did not pick it out. But I did pick her out at the shelter and aside from treating ringworm for an entire effing month it’s been great. And nobody else in the household caught it from her so that felt a little like winning.
  • We were diagnosed with secondary infertility. Well… I guess I was. I am all of twenty-eight years old and taking hormone replacement therapy because my “pituitary essentially stopped talking to my ovaries” after our losses last year. My doctor’s words, not mine. Neither of my two fertility doctors has said the term pre-menopausal, but isn’t that exactly what’s going on? No? All I know is that the hormones help with everything from my anxiety to PMS to weight gain..
  • Also found out the husband and I both have the homozygous C677T MTHFR mutation, which is pretty much the worst of those mutations to have. It almost guarantees any baby we have will be homozygous at well, which puts a fetus at increased risk of death, which is pretty much the cherry on top of a craptastic year as far as pregnancy and loss goes.
  • Speaking of which, it’s been 333 days since before we experienced the loss of our girl, “Firefly” at 13 weeks. And everything’s changed. So.. coming up on the one year anniversary of her death and I am half waiting for the meltdown and half hoping that I have healed enough that there won’t be one. I am channeling that energy into a local pregnancy loss ministry. I’m actually a board member, fancy that! I’ve been thinking of giving all of our lost babies proper names and will need to sit down with DH and do that, if only just for us and them.
  • And perhaps the last big update for now, not only am I a stay at home mom again, (which doesn’t sound nearly as cool when your only kid is four..) but will also be homeschooling said kid. *gasp* I know, right?

Soo… Yeah. That’s about everything I’ve got to say right now. Thanks for reading, stranger.

As Always Before,

Michelle

Early Morning

I have a fondness for the morning that I lacked as a teenager.

We made it to California safely, aside from a few drivers trying to push us off the road. I’ve determined Washington drivers don’t know how to merge, Oregon drivers don’t know how to hold a steady pace and California drivers are too distracted… Seriously, drinking smoothies and deciding they need to be exactly where we are, without checking to see that we are there first, twice. It was an interesting drive, but one I would not look forward to retracing any time soon, for various reasons.

It’s just after 9:30am. I’m up, dressed with makeup and hair done, and I’m working on my first cup of coffee of the day. Ready to go… but the baby is sleeping, so I wait. You’re probably thinking, most people are up and dressed by nine, if not much earlier, right? But life as a stay at home mom to a very high needs baby does not usually go so smoothly. This morning he had play time with Grandma and Grandpa before they headed out for their errands while I got ready.

And now that he’s down for his first morning nap, instead of racing around trying to get ready in what could be as little as twenty minutes, I just get to sit here. I get to listen to the music of the half dozen wind chimes just outside the window and relax. Mornings aren’t so bad. I’ve got a heart full of thoughts, a mind full of questions and the whole day ahead of me.

This feels like a post about nothing, and in many ways it is.. but I am sitting exactly where I have been before.

Everything is different. Everything is the same.

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Aimless :: without purpose or direction

I am having a hard time. I can’t exactly put my finger on a definition of how I feel, but it goes something like this.

I have a list of thing to get done today. Laundry, dishes, sort and fold some baby clothes, clean something, crochet something, get to the gym, etcetera. It really feel silly to even complain but I feel like I’m walking in circles here.

It’s been half a month since my hubby left for deployment and I feel like I’m getting nowhere; but at the same time I’m not sure where I’m supposed to be headed. I feel almost aimless, like I am just wandering around finding things to keep me occupied until our baby boy is born. That list of things to do today might as well have been copied and pasted in part, or in whole, onto every day of the past two weeks. I am quickly getting tired of it all.

And maybe that is just how it is going to be the next few weeks. I really hope they go by much faster than the last two have……… Anyway, enough rambling for one morning. I believe I have a list of things waiting for me.