I did not walk at my college graduation. Had to move out of my suite, did not feel like waiting for Sunday morning to come around just to walk all over campus in muggy, 100 degree weather. I was so burned out, finishing up a 23 unit quarter.. Besides, I had just made all of my family visit for my wedding six weeks prior. I didn’t think anyone would come, and my best friends weren’t graduating with me.
It’s something I have let go, for the most part. I am not the same person now that I was then. The idea of having all those eyes on me, what to wear, who would show up at 10am on Sunday, what if no one did… Those thoughts were overwhelming, so I pushed forward.
I rushed home, so I could rush to South Carolina to be with my then-husband. Four years later…I wish I had customized the top of my cap. Wish I had a photo of my best friend and me, because me leaving changed everything. I see the photos posted from my college every commencement and I wish I had stayed. I skipped out on one of the most quintessential college experiences, in my opinion.
You could say this post was inspired by a parallel debate in my mind. The boyfriend and I are talking big things, shiny rings and our future together. I have a tendency – I am learning of myself – to feel anxious, bored, overwhelmed and rush to the next thing. To just move to the next step, next stage in life, whether I am ready or not. It’s part spontaneity, part chaos.
My license is done. Got it. Finally. And now it’s time to tackle the next big thing, one chunk at a time. I think I’m ready this time. I know this probably sounds like a bunch of incoherent rambling to some, but that’s a peek into the mind of this mom/vet tech/fitness fanatic. I’ve got at least a dozen windows open and I am running on toilet sore legs, too little sleep, not enough water, and I still need to go grocery shopping tonight so I can go to the gym first thing tomorrow..
Let’s do this,
Tonight is one of those nights. Up late. Mulling over love and the meaning of life when it sounds like the whole world has gone to bed besides me. I’ve got the hum of a window fan and the quiet sound of my boyfriend’s breathing to keep me company. “Isn’t it odd sometimes? I asked just before he fell into his dreams… “Isn’t it funny to think how we ended up here?” But I was already too lost in my thoughts to remember what he might have said in response.
Maybe it’s all the water I have been drinking (in part as a challenge for myself) to wash away toxins and have clearer skin and less wrinkles and *fingers crossed* less headaches and migraines. So much water, that my heart and mind can’t help but be a little cleansed too. Old musings and bits of wonder and questions too big for a tired mind to handle washing up. These thoughts like well-worn beach glass, showing up at random, catching my attention.
It is a difficult thing being satisfied with where you are, who you are and feeling the pull, way deep down in your heart and in your soul that things will have to change. That constant push and pull between static and motion. When you stop, just for a second and realize that each of us accepts or creates the life we think we deserve, that we think will best work in our favor. I’m not there yet.
Shouldn’t we be allowed to willingly shed our skin and grow into better versions of ourselves? That those who believe people can change be given the grace to do as much?
If you ask me, yes.. But I am the biased creator of my sleepy, rambling universe and it so long, so long past my bedtime.
With love but mostly light,
I don’t even know where to begin. I get this feeling often, starting a post just to delete it five lines in, a dozen times over..
I passed the California RVT exam! That whole deal worked out a lot faster than I thought it could, given the application says it can take a couple months to process. It was great. Was even able to take it on a Saturday morning so that I did not have to miss work. It feels finished, finally, pending my certificate in the mail. Four years of school and four years of life’s mostly beautiful randomness later.. I had regret not getting my license right out of school so often and it feels like I can finally let that go. A wrong corrected. *insert celebratory dancing/jumping up and down here*
And because I am a glutton for punishment, and because we had to jump on the opportunity to get this place, we moved in the short time between the national and state exam. So now, hello from a very slightly different part of my world. I always felt like I was just visiting the old apartment, and I can already tell this is a much better fit for the hurricane, boyfriend and me. For now at least.
I am looking forward to having a lot more time for my little family and for myself. Stress stacked on top of stress does make the year fly by, but it’s just not an ideal way to live for any length of time. Five months has been punishment enough. All together now, breathe out.
As always before,
I’ve seen this post written a dozen times across the blogosphere. Something bad happens and the blogger disappears for a while and then triumphantly returns, better than ever! At least that’s how it usually goes. Sometimes it takes longer than others, sometimes the author never returns. I don’t know exactly how long I’ve been away, but things are indeed better.
I did a lot of soul searching the past week or so, while the sailor was away. I cleaned my house, cleaned out some of the junk from my life, from my heart. I forget now what I’ve said and what I’ve kept to myself, but I will share a few things that I have learned and move on.
I’ve learned I don’t like keeping the company of people who play the “let’s compare lives and see who has it worse” game. There is one person in particular who I am talking about here, and he or she will know who they are, if they ever stumbled across my blog. There is already so much negativity in life that if we all focused on it, we’d be dragged down into the murky depths of depression. I’ve decided to establish some boundaries with this person, and I feel better for it.
My husband is leaving his maybe, one week old baby at the end of December for a four month surge deployment. That doesn’t mean I’m going to mope about it. (At least not now while I still have the best of my hormones, not the other way around!) It doesn’t mean I’m going to run home to mommy and daddy. I am soo thankful for my Mom because she is going to come up and help out, but this is my baby and I am so looking forward to decorating the nursery and bringing him or her here. My place, my space. A new little happily ever after in the making. Who says I can’t have as many of those as I want?
After wishing I could be working, just to work, not because we’re hurting for the money or I’m bored of my life.. I realized, I picked the right career for me. I had been beating myself up because I wasn’t sure if being a vet tech was really the job for me.. what if I had wasted all that money and time in college for a degree that doesn’t fit me? I didn’t. It’s just that family became more important for the time being. There will be a time when I go back to work, but I can’t say right now when that will be.
So there you have it. It was time for a spring cleaning of my whole life. It may sound corny or cheesy but I honestly feel relieved and renewed. The daily headaches I was having are gone, and I think that’s because a load of bricks was taken off my chest.