4 + 4 

I don’t even know where to begin. I get this feeling often, starting a post just to delete it five lines in, a dozen times over.. 

I passed the California RVT exam!  That whole deal worked out a lot faster than I thought it could, given the application says it can take a couple months to process. It was great. Was even able to take it on a Saturday morning so that I did not have to miss work. It feels finished, finally, pending my certificate in the mail.  Four years of school and four years of life’s mostly beautiful randomness later.. I had regret not getting my license right out of school so often and it feels like I can finally let that go. A wrong corrected. *insert celebratory dancing/jumping up and down here*

And because I am a glutton for punishment, and because we had to jump on the opportunity to get this place, we moved in the short time between the national and state exam. So now, hello from a very slightly different part of my world. I always felt like I was just visiting the old apartment, and I can already tell this is a much better fit for the hurricane, boyfriend and me. For now at least. 

I am looking forward to having a lot more time for my little family and for myself. Stress stacked on top of stress does make the year fly by, but it’s just not an ideal way to live for any length of time. Five months has been punishment enough. All together now, breathe out. 

As always before,

Michelle 

Eye of the Hurricane

The hurricane has been super sick lately. I am talking a fever that rapidly climbed from 101 degrees (fahrenheit, for my non-US readers) to 105.4 degrees at its highest, and stayed mostly in the 103-105 degree range. Crazy, crazy high temps for a little tot. Way too close for comfort to the 107.6 degrees when brain damage can occur. Five trips to the doctors office, at least a dozen necessary doses of fever reducing medication, and one entire day spent at the ER later… he has/had not only an ear infection, but strep throat, which is apparently super rare in toddlers. I had the most difficult time finding a doctor or nurse that would take me seriously. I cannot tell you how many times I was told “toddlers do not get strep, this is probably just a virus.” The thing is, everyone who has access to the internet knows viruses rarely cause high fevers, and are even more rare to stick around as long as the hurricane had symptoms, which was for over twelve days, in case you were wondering. Still not sure how he caught it, because everyone, anyone who had or has had any contact with him, has not come down with strep themselves. Most importantly now, special shout out to my mom for coming down and spending the second half of this past week with us so that I could return to work.

And so now, the national exam is just a hop, skip and a jump away. Scary. I am not ready and yet so ready to have it over with at the same time. All of this studying and stressing is so reminiscent of college, around times when a big exam was coming up and I just missed having down time that was all my own…the time that does not already belong to one obligation or another. But I am way committed to finishing this, this year. Can’t stop. I did consider rescheduling due to lack of proper study time, what with work and the hurricane being ill, but decided against that idea. Plus, I did pass the practice exam I took yesterday, so here’s hoping for these final weeks of studying landing me a good score.

In the past month there have been a couple awkward, boundary-pushing text conversations between the ex-husband and me. My daily Divorce Care emails are just about done, having covered all five areas of grief, and are now heavily focusing on reconciliation, not that he could possibly know that, not that we are ever going to be candidates for the remarriage part of reconciling. I definitely feel comfortable saying that I hope some day we have a friendly relationship.. but at the same time know that may never be possible, because he may never do his part of the work to get there, and that does make me a little sad. Dream ideal would be me and my husband sitting with him and his wife with our families watching the hurricane’s high school or college graduation. That might be a little bit of a stretch but it is at least fifteen years away. A lot has happened in five years, considering I was still in college and not even engaged to be married five years ago at this time. Just imagine what might go down in the next fifteen…

I think that about wraps up the past forty-ish days since I was last able to squeeze in some writing time. Special hello to the random rush of new readers here, as well to the one or two potential regulars I seem to have from Brazil. I hope this blog is as nice an escape from your daily routine as it has become mine.

As always,

Michelle

ps. Next time you make pepperoni pizza from the freezer section add sliced avocado and sour cream after it’s cooled for a minute or two. Thank me later. Unless you’re on a diet, in which case you did not hear this from me.

This is the “then”

Hello again, world.

It has been a while… I have been busy, honest, and I know I say that every time. I have actually been pretty sick on/off since before Christmas with colds, dealing with antibiotic side effects, allergies, bronchitis. You know it is sad when you go to the doctor because you cannot sleep because you cannot stop coughing and your ribs hurt, and the antibiotic they prescribe to prevent pneumonia because you really are that sick, makes your ribs hurt from tendonitis (of your ribs!). Who knew that could even happen?! And since January first it has been all study, all the time preparing for the vet tech national exam. . . But then, last night I was editing the boyfriend’s resume and realized that I really miss writing just for the sake of saying something. I miss just sitting down and pouring my mind and heart out on this keyboard, if that is not already obvious.

There is just a lot going on that I am not sure how to process. It feels a bit like doing math in my head… which everyone should know is not a skill I possess, college degree or not. I am trying my best to get my RVT this year. Forgiving myself for not making that more of a priority sooner, when it would have been easier. Because some days it does feel like any time in my recent history would have been easier than right now to be studying for one of two $300, four hour long tests needed to get my RVT. Know better, do better, I suppose. I am honestly committed. I even gave up Facebook in its entirety for the month of February, maybe even until after the national exam in April. Super serious, yo. I miss my moms on there.

Then yesterday, I had to delete a bunch of old emails. Something about switching to a new phone has the memory on my iCloud spazzing out, asking for more space, so I decided it was time for some stuff to go. A lot of stuff. In the middle of my shift + delete spree, I found the inspiration photo for my second tattoo. A little surprising to see how different the real thing turned out. And it reminded me that reality can be so much better than your dreams. Sometimes. At the same time I found a couple hundred old emails between the ex-husband and me, and that was hard. I had forgotten not only that they were still filed away, but that I had saved so many in the first place. Do not bother asking why, I no longer have any idea. The topics of the emails were so broad and the dates went way back into our forever ago time. The boyfriend could sense a change in my mood and I let him know I was snooping into my past, shared a couple important bits with him and continued deleting. I am just so over feeling any bad about the divorce.

So this year things will be different on December 31, I can say that for certain, but when exactly between now and then things will change is a mystery. I am already debt free – having just recently made the final payment on my car – and that is one goal I set for myself checked off the list. I am studying my brain cells away, barely giving myself time to breathe it feels. I am contemplating a move to a different city somewhere along the way. And I will write, nonsensical posts like this on occasion, complete with run-on sentences because that is the way my mind works when I am flustered. Because some day I will think about these days living in a cramped apartment overlooking a busy street with a different mindset and like so many times before, will wonder what I was feeling “then.”

This is the then we will reminisce.

As always before,

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