Consider Us Lucky

The Stennis finally pulled into its (her?) home port yesterday afternooon. And while my sailor has been home a little over a week, there was a sense of finality knowing his ship is home too. I grew up the daughter of a top-sider, and life married to a man considered ship’s company is much different. Wherever the ship goes, he goes, and it has spent a lot of time away lately.

It is easy to get sucked into a negative frame of mind. The game of if/then is effortless, but rarely offers much comfort. Even now that he is home, I have caught myself thinking if he had never left……blah. It doesn’t do any good.

I consider us lucky because of our timing arriving here, he wasn’t on the whole 2011-2012 deployment as well. He joined the ship when they were six weeks out; when others aboard had been gone for six months at that point.

I consider us lucky that the sailor is “stuck” on the Stennis a few more years.. That we aren’t like several people he has mentioned, just getting back from an eight month deployment and transferring to a ship just getting underway for their deployment. I don’t want to imagine how hard three back to back deployments would be.

I consider us lucky that our son was immediately comfortable in my husband’s arms, and that they have carried on as if they were never separated. That all cries except the “I am certain I am starving” cry are (fairly) quickly and easily solved by someone other than me. He may have been gone fifteen of the last twenty months. He may only have just met our son. And he may have gotten pooped on today, but he his home.

It is nice. The sun is shining and life is good.

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A Hard Year

It’s been a hard year.

Searched out my old blog hosted by blogger to find the name of a song I knew would be on the music player there. Found it. Paused for a few minutes to read the first few posts, or the last few before I moved to this blog, my “real” blog.

One of those last posts was written 364 days ago, detailing a mini-vacation the sailor and I had taken. I can remember getting into a fight, but I can’t remember about what and I don’t remember how we made it better, or if we did at all.

It’s been a hard year.

I often say, if you told me x-amount of time ago I would be here, now, I wouldn’t believe you. And that is true for a year ago, today. If you told me I would be in Washington, sitting in the living room of a home my husband and I own, nine months pregnant, waiting for the days to pass until they all blend together… well, I don’t think I would believe you.

This isn’t how I expected things to be, back when I was excited to be stationed in Washington, excited to return to the West Coast. I am doing the best I can, but I sometimes wonder why I ever wanted to come here. I wonder why I ever veered off the path laid out for me. Followed my heart instead of my head, chose a family over a career (even though they say you don’t have to choose).

All that nonsense.

Casualty of the Move

It’s been almost a year since my hubby and I dared to drive across the country. The move from South Carolina to Washington state was a harrowing one at times. Semi-truck tires, a blizzard and sand storm attacked and attempted to destroy our little Mazda 3. Despite the fun of staying in a new place every night, and the ability to say that I have driven across this gigantic country, I am in no rush to repeat the process.

Our baby boy will be here in just a few short weeks, and naturally, I’m going to want to take a zillion pictures of him to share with my husband and family and even here. I have a huge Nikon, and a small point and shoot Nikon and my iPhone which has a decent enough camera for emailed pictures. The only problem is that the point and shoot Nikon doesn’t hold a charge, and when turned on acts as if it is possessed by some evil spirit. All sorts of flashing lights and then it dies again. As far as I know, it hasn’t been dropped, hasn’t been stepped on or slammed around. It has been safe and dry inside it’s case. I have no idea why it doesn’t work, but I do know that it’s less than 2 years old and somewhere there is an extended warranty for the little bugger. Somewhere.

Another casualty of the move.. I could have sworn I tucked the warranty into the camera box while getting our apartment packed up in South Carolina. That would have been the most logical placement. Checked the camera box today, and the warranty is nowhere to be found. Shoot.

It had a “home” and then that was packed up and moved to a different apartment; only to be packed up and moved to this house. Who knows where it could be.. I definitely don’t. So now I have a broken camera, no warranty, and am once again compelled to recount the damages that occurred during that move across the country. The semi-tire, blizzard, sand storm… the cracked windshield, lost boxes, late delivery of our things.. and the lost warranty among so many other things that I’ve yet to discover are missing or misplaced.

I love Washington

It’s midnight and I should still be sleeping, but the rain woke me up.

It’s been a miserably hot week in Bremerton. We bought this house knowing it had no ceiling fans or air conditioner, because we were assured we wouldn’t need them. Psh!!? 87 degrees is hot at noon, but it’s even worse when it’s still 80 plus degrees inside at 9pm.

A few locals have mentioned this heat snap being out of the norm for the area, and I hope they are right!! I can’t stand the heat anymore. Pregnancy has turned me into a walking furnace as it is.

*yawn* Anyway, back to dream land I go. That’s another odd pregnancy thing, when I wake up, I am awake and ready to go, no matter what time it is! haha.

Foreshadowing :: The Worst Part is Knowing

Can it even be love if when I think about it today, I just want to call it a lie? I never really thought LOVE – the all powerful emotion, feeling, thing – could be deceitful,

The sailor and I are in a fight. Probably should have started out by saying that, but I figure I’ll know just by reading this, but going with the small chance I can’t figure it out months or years from now, we are 100% off. We don’t talk anymore; we haven’t really talked in months. That isn’t what sparked this particular fight but it does fuel the fire. And will continue to. Forever most likely.

I was driving home today, alone, after eating lunch in Silverdale. Praying and wondering why we got married in the first place. Beating myself up for not doing what everyone expected me to do. Because if I had, everything would be different and probably better. Would be living on my own, working my ass off. Would probably still be skinny. Would still be independent. Would be free. You want to know the saddest part? My answer, to the question why we got married at all, was “we were in love”.

We were. Past tense, as in, no longer valid at this point. I could be out on my own, figuring things out as I went along and instead I am one year into a friendshipless, loveless marriage. Real winner, here.

I should have done what everyone expected. I should have just stayed the course. It was all set, all ready for me, but I ruined everything. I ruined everything. A perfectly good friendship. Broke my own heart more times than I can count. Ruined my future. Ruined my life.

I should have known better.

I should have seen this coming.

I should have run away while I still had the chance.

But I am twenty-three, half way to twenty-four, haven’t had a job in six months, ten weeks pregnant and stuck with a boy who only loves me when it’s easy. I can’t talk to him. We don’t talk, and that has all but destroyed everything we have. And if we don’t talk, we won’t stand a chance.

I fail, I lose, I forfeit.

Lucky

The clock just struck three in the afternoon.. or it would have, if I had a clock that chimed every hour on the hour. Four hours have passed since little Graham and I watched the USS John C Stennis pull around the peninsula and into their dock. Two more hours will likely pass until I can actually SEE my husband. His specific job requires that he stay on the boat and switch power from the reactors over to a land source, or something like that, whatever that may be.. I am not legally allowed to know the details, so there aren’t any more to share about that whole process. All I know for sure is that plenty of other wives/friends/parents/pets have been reunited with their loved ones by now, and I’m still home alone.

Sighs. I ran into another Navy wife at a store the other day. She must have seen my military ID because she asked where my husband was stationed, and was then surprised to hear he was on the same boat as her husband. Small world, lady.. we are in *the city* where the boat is stationed when it’s not traipsing around the world. Anyway, I mistakenly mentioned that he’d only been gone about a month and a half and she said I was “lucky.” It made me feel bad because I know most of the people on the Stennis had been gone since July of 2011… seven long months.

But later I realized I was not in fact “lucky.”.. In July 2011, my husband had Just started Prototype, the third six month school he attended over the course of two years; a school which I now call the widow maker. Rotating shift-work and long hours meant I didn’t really have a husband for six months. And when that nightmare was finally over, we packed up our apartment, put our two cats in a kennel in our small car and drove across the freaking country from South Carolina to Washington state. Cross country moves in the middle of winter are not generally advised… not that we had a choice. After getting here, we spent all our time searching for a house and then I bought a house alone, because he had to go to the Stennis two weeks before escrow was complete. At least her husband was gone the entire time, making it so that she could get into a routine while he was away. Six weeks in to any deployment and you’re still just trying to navigate being alone and fighting loneliness like your life depends on it. Besides, it’s not like I missed my hubby any less than she missed hers. You can only miss a person so much until it just becomes this constant thing hanging over your head.

So yes, my husband was “with me” for five and half of the last seven months, but that doesn’t mean it was a walk in the park. Wish I could have thought of this while standing in the check out line – not that I would have said anything more than I did – but it would have been nice to know I’m not any less of a Navy wife just because he wasn’t gone for a full deployment this time. There will be other deployments, that is as sure as death and taxes. I can only hope to be more supportive of the next new Navy wife.

Too Much

I have too much to say; too much on my mind. It’s just about nine right now, and I have to be at  the Seattle-Tacoma airport at 11:30ish tonight to pick up my mom. I had mentioned before that she is staying with me for ten days to help me move and get settled into the house and those ten days start tonight, technically.

I still need the sheets to finish drying and make up the bed and put the dishes away that are drying on the dish rack. It’s funny, growing up my mom would always freak out when my grandma was coming to visit and I never understood why everything had to be super clean and organized. Obviously my grandma raised my mom, so she must have known my mom wasn’t that organized… but knowing that my mom was coming, I made sure both the house and apartment looked the best they could! It was like a compulsion.. And it was no easy task to accomplish because I’m basically living in two places.

Today was a hard day otherwise.. Logan is in Hawaii for the weekend and should be back in Washington very early in March. I foolishly expected him to text or call more than he seemed to want to and today just didn’t go how I expected. Sighs.. being a Navy wife is definitely taking some getting used to… and realizing that my husband WILL act different around different people and realizing that I don’t always like my husband. I think that’s the thing about marriage even more so than dating; not liking your significant other is not reason to run away. You have to work it out. And when the person you’re married to runs away, it hurts, because you’re left there alone, holding your relationship together.

Blah, blah, I don’t know. I’ve got my cup of coffee and Kitchen Nightmares on Hulu.com to keep me company for the next hour until I have to leave.